I am busy ~ Chapter 2
We all have some obsession in life which most
often acts as a fuel to keep us going. Obsessed with a dream, a film star,
looks, books etc the list is endless. Similarly our Subbiah also had an
obsession - Obsession with Nirvana.
He felt he had completed all this duties and
hence deserved the much coveted Nirvana. He has been a good son to his parents,
a nice husband to his wife and a responsible father who educated his children,
made them capable enough to stand on their own feet and got them both married. He felt this was the end of his all worldy
duties after which he deserved freedom from this life.
He chased this dream rigorously for the past
few years. Especially after he had got his son married and settled. He went to
various tantriks, sadhus, seers and other religious sects to know the path
towards Nirvana. He went from temple to temple looking for learned gurus who could
guide him in this journey. He would read various books on it also in the local
library where he went daily. Poor soul, did not realize that Nirvana is not so
easy to get!
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| The nearby temple |
Someone asked him to write 101 postcards
containing some message and send them, while on other hand someone would ask
him to fast for 51 Mondays praying to Lord Shiva for Nirvana. He had made huge
donations when asked in form of gold, food items, clothes etc. From animal
slaughter to doing rituals in cemetery to drive away all the ghosts – Subbiah
had tried everything possible that was suggested to him. By now he must have
spent a fortune on the ceremonies suggested by the, but to no avail. He was
like a fanatic when it came to this.
Anyone who could give him the answer to this would attain Godly status for
him.
His world revolved around 3 things – his
date, time and place of birth. The moment he saw any astrologer or came to know
about someone, he would immediately fish out these details and ask about his
death. Time and again people tried telling him death is not something that can
be predicted. If it would have been so easy we all could have led easier lives.
Death is still the most invincible power and no amount of knowledge or
meditation can make you more powerful than it. But our dear Subbiah, adamancy
was his other name.
 |
| Kundali - Time and date of birth |
Needless to say Kanaka did not like this. She
had tried driving sense in his mind many times but Subbiah simply would not
budge. Initially she would fight with him trying to stop him from all this. But
gradually as his madness increased (Yes!!
Madness that is what she called this) she could not keep pace with it. She
thought she would lose even the little bit of sanity that was left with her.
Because as a counter argument, Subbiah had began to suggest her also to try
these things to attain Nirvana. Tired of it all she had finally left it on God
to show some way out of this.
It was a convenience based arrangement where
Subbiah would continue his relentless search for Nirvana and Kanaka would not
say anything as long as he came back home as his quests failed each time. It
continued for many years without any problems for either of them hence there
was no scope of argument or bickering over this. Kanaka saw no end to this and
had accepted it as a part of her life. But the end did come. And in the most
unexpected manner!
One day Subbiah did not come home at the
designated time for lunch. Kanaka got worried as this very unlikely of him. The
clock struck 1...and then 2… but still there was no trace of Subbiah. With every passing second her concern
increased. Her panic stricken face looked gruesome with worry lines etched
across.
 |
| The kitchen at their house |
It was at about 4 pm that Subbiah made a
hasty entry. Kanaka glared at him, but
he barely noticed. He seemed to be in some hurry as he dashed towards their
bedroom. Kanaka followed him there and inquired, ‘Where were you? I was so worried about you….what happened? Is
everything ok?’ She stopped midway as she saw Subbiah taking his ocher robe
from the cupboard. Subbiah generally wore this to religious ceremonies. She
feared that today once again he was headed to another of his crazy rituals to
obtain Nirvana.
Before she could react Subbiah had changed
and now was removing his watch and other valuables as he talked to her ‘I am going….. I have found a Guru who knows
the real path to Nirvana.’ Kanaka gasped ‘What? Where are you going? And by when will you be back?’
‘Perhaps
never… I am so happy. This time I finally found a Guru who will lead me to
Nirvana along with him. Am not I lucky? It seems worth the entire wait now…’
‘Are you out
of your mind? How can you just go like this…? What about me? Our children? This
house?’
'I had told
you before also Kanaka…now please don’t start this again. You know how much I
have waited for this day and wanted it so badly. I have already made my will
bequeathing everything to you and left enough money in bank account FDs for
your survival. You will be well taken care of….Don’t worry. Now just hurry up
and see my Guru must be coming here to take me along. Anytime he will be at our
door.'
 |
| Subbiah walking away in his ocher robes. |
Kanaka wanted to scream at him but controlled
her emotions. With tears in her eyes she went out to check at the door. She mentally decided to give a piece of her
mind to that Guru and shoo him off before Subbiah made it to the door. There indeed was a sadhu standing at their
doorstep. Very old, must be around 80-85 years old, but not a wrinkle on this
face. He had a strong divine grace on his face radiating immense power
from his eyes. Looking at him reminded Kanaka of Shakuntala’s story where she
was cursed for disrespecting a sadhu. In a moment her anger vanished and she
bent down touched his feet.
‘Akhand
Saubhagyawati bhavaha…’ he blessed her.
‘Swami….’
‘No…
amma… don’t say anything. I know everything. Trust me. I will not let anything
happen to him. I will bring him back to you. You just have to trust me and let
him go this last time….’
Tears rolled down her eyes as she heard this.
She hastily wiped them as she heard Subbiah coming.
‘Namaskaram
Guruji…I am ready…let’s go….’
Kanaka folded her hands to do a Namaste to
that sadhu as both of them left. She followed them till the extent her eyes
allowed her to, half hoping he would turn around and come back. Once their
silhouettes were out of sight she ran towards her puja room and collapsed
there. She started crying there unbearably as if asking God why?
 |
| The temple at their house |
She continued crying for hours together. She
did not realize when she fell asleep thee on the floor in a foetal position.
Her sniffles filled the air making it heavier. It was a strange situation. She
cried because she did not know what to do next. She mentally decided to call
her son the next day immediately before things went out of hand. She had trusted that Guru and all she could
do was to wait. But deep inside her heart she was scared. She feared that
Subbiah might never return and she would have to exist in a state of constant
denial over his death. Such thoughts scared her and she would start crying
more. Slowly sleep took over her senses as she drifted off to slumber land.
She realised it was morning when the bright
sun rays fell on her face. She opened her eyes for a moment and closed it
immediately as she was unable to bear the sudden light. Her entire body
ached and she felt feverish. She did not feel like getting up but did so
reluctantly after sometime. She opened the front door to collect the milk
packets delivered by the milkman when she saw a strange figure sitting there.
She got scared and dropped the milk packets
there to run inside. She came back with a wooden stick in her hand thinking it
might be some thief. She tip-toed behind him slowly and was about to hit him
with the rod when the figure turned.
‘You????.......’
Kanaka dropped the rod in disbelief as she saw Subbiah staring at her. ‘When
did you come?’
‘At
night’
‘You
should have woken me up.. .’
‘It was
around 2:30-3 hence did not disturb you.’
‘What
happened?’
‘Nothing…
I will freshen up and come. I am too tired to talk right now.. .’ saying
this Subbiah got up and marched into the house.
Looking at his soiled clothes and disheveled
hair she could make out something was wrong, but she dare not ask him for the
fear of inviting his wrath. The look on his face was answer enough. She picked
up the milk packets and rushed to the kitchen to start preparing his coffee.
The entire day Subbiah did not utter a single word. He did not go out of the
house and seemed to be lost in some thoughts. It seemed as if something was
weighing on his mind constantly, as to have witnessed something unexpected.
Kanaka remembered what that sadhu had told
her and never asked him again as to what happened that night. Subbiah also
never brought it up. There was a sea
change in his attitude though as he never broached the topic of Nirvana again. What
Subbiah saw that night left him shocked; something which he found difficult to
express and painful to remember.
That night;
Subbiah and his guru left for a nearby town.
As told to him by his guru, there was a fair being conducted there. This fair
happened once in 25 years and attracted a huge crowd owning to the same. It was
renowned for the miracles people had witnessed there as a lot of famous seers
and sadhus also visited it. This fair took place near a village called Selur
which was famous for its Lord Shiva temple.
 |
| Lord Shiva Temple at Selur |
Every month on the full moon day people would
throng this temple walking all the way barefooted to get their wishes
fulfilled. It was said that this temple had blessed people miraculously.
Anybody who prayed here full heartedly never returned empty handed. Subbiah was very happy with all this as he
felt finally he had found Nirvana.
After walking for some distance they stopped
a tempo full of pilgrims which was going that way. Finally at around 9 they
reached Selur. The lights, the crowd, devotional songs blaring from speakers,
the festive look of the fair – it had transformed a sleepy looking Selur to a
high activity place. You could see hawkers trying to sell their wares,
screaming children, people thronging stalls, some eatery outlets set up by the
rich for all the pilgrims.
Subbiah and his guru went to a nearby food
stall and had some food as they were tired after such a long journey. His guru
had told Subbiah that after dinner they will proceed towards the backside of
the fair where people practiced the art of achieving Nirvana.
Secretly smiling at his luck, Subbiah gobbled up the food quickly.
After a while both of them got up and
proceeded towards the fair. Subbiah was trying to observe everything
around him as if it were for the last time. His mind was almost singing ‘Good bye world….. ..’ But his jolly mood
did not last very long. Once they
reached the backside of the fair the sight that met Subbiah’s eyes shook him.
There was a huge pit covered with hot burning
coal pieces. People were taking turns to walk on it. He could hear the shrill
cries of people as they walked on the burning coal. Some of them collapsed once
they were done with the crossing. The blisters on their feet proof enough for
the pain they would have undergone. People were sprinkling water on their faces
to bring them back to their senses. In one corner there was a lady who had got
her tongue pierced and was walking around like a zombie with the rod piercing
out of her cheeks. To his extreme right he saw a huge crowd but could not make
out what it was all about. Time and again he would only hear a whoosing sound.
He slowly approached that crowd with fear in his heart. He could almost hear
his heartbeats as he stepped closer.
There he came face to face with a man bare
chested, with a hunter in his hand. Suddenly the man picked up the hunter and
hit himself as the crowd echoed Har Har Mahadev. He continued to do this and
turned around. Subbiah gasped as he saw multiple marks on his body. He was
bleeding profusely because of the constant beatings.
 |
| Man beating himself with a hunter |
Subbiah looked at his guru inquiringly, when
the later smiled and said,’ This is the
way to Nirvana. You need to pay for all your sins before you can embark on this
journey. And these people here are doing it in different ways. That lady there,
she had a very sharp tongue and was of abusive nature. She has now decided to
repent about it in this manner. Similarly all the other people are showing
their repentance by undergoing these things. This tests their tolerance and
also punishes them for all the wrong they have done throughout in their lives.
As our Bhagavatam says ‘You have to pay for everything here and then go…’ this
is that paying….. So now tell me which way you would want to show your
repentance. Would you want to start with walking on those burning coals first?’
Subbiah was shell shocked as he heard this
and his expressions were not doing a good job at hiding his emotions. He got
really scared. He was not expecting this. He told his guru ,’ But I have not
done anything wrong till now…’ though he wanted to convince his guru, he knew
his voice was ditching him in confidence. He was barely mumbling.
‘Not
possible… no single human being is like this…each one of us has done something
or the other wrong… .Come…. let’s go that side and start this journey...’
Subbiah followed him but his mind was running
in various directions. I cannot be doing this… this is not Nirvana…he thought
and finally mustered the courage to ask his guru, ‘ Guruji..What is the other
way to show your repentance? I mean apart from this….’
‘You
have to continue leading your life.. You will go through all that you are
destined to before you die. This also includes your repentance… but as you
think you have already undergone everything I brought you here…..’
Subbiah stopped in his steps. The realization
dawned upon him that there was no shortcut to Nirvana. Only after grihasthashrama
could one venture into vanprasthashrama and then further into Nirvana. As he
was busy thinking all this, he suddenly realised that his guruji was lost
somewhere in the crowd. He jumped to his feet and tried to look for him. But he
could not locate him. All of a sudden he decided to head back home and made
a run for the exit gate.
It was in a state of daze that Subbiah took
lift from a truck driver back to Kandaripattnam. He was lost in his thoughts
when the familiar looking lodge made him realize he had reached. He walked down
to his home through the deserted streets and sat down on the patio waiting for
it to be morning so that Kanaka would open the door.
 |
| The Lodge |
Though Kanaka never knew what happened that
night, she knew something sinister had happened which had changed Subbiah so
much. Everytime she thought about it she never forgot to thank that sadhu
alongwith God as she knew he was truly God sent for her. As for Subbiah,
earlier his obsession would keep him busy while now he seemed to be on a lookout
for something new.
P.S: This has not been written with the intention of belittling anyone's beliefs or any traditions and customs. With due respect to each of them, this is just an attempt to see it from a layman's view who has never witnessed such things ever in life.
