Diary of a Lost Wanderer

Today I cried because finally I couldn't recognize you. I couldn't find the person I had loved and revered. Instead I saw a person who didn't know the language of love and had never known sentiments. Till date I was standing on the periphery of is and was. But today I finally took the plunge and embraced was for is had become unbearable now.

Today I reached a long lost friend's profile on Facebook and from there began a journey down the memory lane as one after another familiar names started tumbling out. Some known faces, some unknown... trying to put up the best pieces of their lives for display. I smiled looking at their smiles, thinking how far had they reached from what I remember of them last.  Source:  kplr11.com Some were toppers, while some failures in school but today they were standing together as equals on the pedestal of life albeit in different countries. As I tried remembering some fond memories with them, I couldn't reach any. All I remembered was having them around me, perhaps that is why they were and not are in my life.  Just then I noticed something. Facebook was asking me : Do you know XYZ? Send a friend request / message to connect. My smile grew wider as my heart answered, " No I don't know them." And I closed the window. They were nothing of what I remembered them...

" I have a past.. ." He managed to whisper finally. "So what? We all do. It is from those ruins of the past that we build mansions of our future. " I replied.  I had been trying to get him open up since long but he simply refused to speak. These four words was the first thing he had spoken in last one hour and it didn't help in any manner. It felt like some cryptic message waiting to be decoded. Working as a counselor this wasn't something new to me, what was new was his calm demeanor.  He had been here since last 2 weeks, brought in by a caring friend who had seen severe suicidal symptoms in him and wanted to save his life. Save his life, we did. All of together. What none of us could do was understand his life. He simply refused to open up to what was gnawing him till today when finally I had managed to enter his good books as a confidante and finally he whispered to me, " No... my future is held as a captive by my past who is threat...

By the time I had turned 17, I was convinced I am the worst shrew possible on planet earth. And to top it all, I was sent away from home. They felt it was necessary to teach me few lessons of life. Today when I look back I am glad they did this, but then it made me more lonelier. Away in an alien city with no friends, I was sucked deeper into my own shell. On thinking about it, perhaps the roots for my constant desire to be on my own were sown during this time. I learnt the real meaning of life in this phase which lasted for almost 8 years shaping me into someone I call Me now.

One of the most important lessons I learnt in my three decade old life is: " There is no wound worse than the ones you give yourself! " because it shows how much you hate yourself to have done that.   I faintly remember being bullied all throughout my school and college for a very strange reason - I was too gullible. I remember my worst childhood punishments were when my mom would refuse to speak to me and ensure I was boycotted in the house. That secluded feeling it brought along was worst. I carried that fear so deep within me that till date my worst fear is being avoided/ignored and left alone. And it is because of this that I took into whatever was told to me every single time.  Source:  www.pinterest.com

Source:  inspirenow.com.au Not very long ago I had visited one of my colleague's house and met her parents. She told me later that the first thing her father noticed about me was my hesitant nature. His words made me think. Was that how people perceived me? For I always believed I came across as someone who was very confident and knew what she was doing. That incident triggered a journey down the memory lane. An interview where the interviewer read me like an open book scaring the hell out of me. I still remember his words. " You are too matured for your age. I don't know what has triggered that but there is a reason for it I am sure. You don't have friends of your age, they are either younger or elder. You are very sensitive and emotional which do look like cons but can also act like pros if handled in the right manner. It makes you connect with people instantaneously. You are brave to take your own decisions and face the consequences if you fail. You don...

I held onto him tightly to save my life, Not knowing that my saviour himself needed saving. We both drowned. Albeit, in love. 

"Remember you are a star, bright and shining forever !" My father would tell me always before putting me to sleep at night and I would believe him for I saw it in his eyes, the way I shone. What he never told is that even stars have to die to make a wish come true.