Confessions of a confused soul # 9: A desire called home

By the time I had turned 17, I was convinced I am the worst shrew possible on planet earth. And to top it all, I was sent away from home. They felt it was necessary to teach me few lessons of life. Today when I look back I am glad they did this, but then it made me more lonelier. Away in an alien city with no friends, I was sucked deeper into my own shell. On thinking about it, perhaps the roots for my constant desire to be on my own were sown during this time. I learnt the real meaning of life in this phase which lasted for almost 8 years shaping me into someone I call Me now.

Just few days ago I recollected how I was called a short tempered person during my growing up years. I know some of you who know me now must be wondering how is that even possible but the fact is I was short tempered at that time. Frustrated with life, frustrated with so many changes happening within me, frustrated at the new face of life that kept on unveiling before my eyes every day.... I didn't know where to divert my energies and as a result I would end up losing my temper on the slightest of thing. 

When it was pinpointed to me I started changing everything that was a complaint about me. Maybe my little heart was expecting to be called back "home". I stopped getting angry, voicing my opinions and began to do everything that could get me back in good books. But nothing like that happened. Things just continued to get worse as my desire to go back home kept increasing. I started feeling lost as the new place never gave me any sense of belonging. Alas! That one call that would ask me to come back never came.

As I grew up I realized that all this while I was being asked to do something that they themselves were not. And then began an endless journey where I was constantly striving not to be like them. Yet in one corner of my heart I yearned to be home. When finally after two years I went home I was over the moon. But my joy was short lived. What I expected was the same warmth I had experienced since childhood, those same walls which held my secrets within their corners and those windows who had witnessed my dreams along with me. Sadly, it was not the same. Everything had changed and that was proven when I was escorted to the guest room instead of my childhood bedroom. That is when I finally concluded I no longer belong here, and this was not home any more.

It was somewhere here that the desire to have a place of my own, which can be called home was born for I wanted to have a sense of belonging which never came anywhere else.

~ To be continued

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