Metro Diaries : A confession by a "loved" one
Mandira walked into the room with a smile on her face, a smile that was less confident and more dubious. Till now she always was a friend but today I saw in a different light. I saw her as my lawyer, my savior in this turbulent ocean of life, one who would bring me out of this big tsunami that held my life in its clutches right now and bring me to the shores… to start afresh. She took a seat on the couch and handed over a bunch of papers to be, albeit a bit uncomfortably. I knew where her discomfort came from. We both were her friends, and here she had to take sides, something that she hated doing even during normal arguments and discussions. I don’t blame her. None of us is wrong or right completely. Maybe that’s why the term “they just grew apart” is being used to describe our 14 year old marriage today.
14 years Manav! I cannot believe it. 3 years of dating, 14 years of marriage. One house, 2 kids and 3 dogs later today we are out to prove the very society correct who at one point of time was predicting the failure of our marriage. Many people tell me it has to be someone else, how can something not work anymore between us after such long time. And all I can do is keep staring at them blankly. I know you better than myself to an extent that if you were falling for someone else I would know it before you yourself did. Just the way I knew you loved me even before you had proposed me. I know it is not someone else, but I also know it isn’t me anymore. I don’t make you smile the way I used to and I couldn’t see you stifling to death every single day because of me.
We have seen so much together – Bosky’s death, my miscarriage, parental disapproval for our marriage long after we were married till almost Ananya was born four years later; that today when we have to face these turbulent times I cannot imagine not having you by my side to sail through. Feels strange right? Calling you up to know when can I pick you up for our next hearing in the court together? But then this is what 17 years of being together does to anyone!
Mandira clears her throat, breaking my chain of thoughts. I know her too well to understand that she wants to say something. I urge her to speak. “Ayesha, I need your passport and other documents.” For? We need to file application for changing them to your maiden name. It stung my heart very badly. Now I couldn’t even keep your name along with me. I was no longer Ayesha Manav Thakkar. I wish these people who made all these rules and regulations of what to divide, how to divide and all could also come up with a rule of how to let go of that part of you that still clings to my heart deep inside my soul. I wish there was a piece of paper I could sign to ensure no memories of yours removed with me and my heart didn’t tug every time I even thought of you.I confess it today as someone whom you "loved"....I can cease being your wife with a piece of paper but how can I cease loving you?