Monday Altschmerz

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A new month, new day and a new week starts with a new desk. The old one had began to creek, just like my thoughts. Sometimes disturbingly noisy while sometimes it was soothing like the morning music. Nevertheless, I believe it managed to scare my writing muse away for the time being. For it simply refuses to come hither. While my muse travels to gather stories for me, my soul travels to gather fairy dust for me. After all, what is life without magic!

 "We travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives, other souls." -Anaïs Nin 

Source: Pinterest

I like the way my new desk looks- sparkling, shining and inviting. I have placed it next to a window, from where I can witness the glorious sunrises every day. Somehow it all fills me with hope. Hope for better writing, hope for better tomorrows and hope for new beginnings. I love the way hope lingers in the air today morning. Is it just me or have the winds really changed their direction?

A new notification tells me there is work beckoning but I don't wish to turn around from the window. The breeze tickling my senses and playing with my hair, it all seems to be serene. After ages, my heart has found a pace of its own. Not too slow, neither too  fast.... one of its kind. Will my doctor be happy about it? Maybe. Maybe not.

I deeply inhale the caffeinated aroma from the cup in my hands and allow it to travel to every single cell of my being. Perhaps this is what they meant when they say "Awakening of the soul". For I feel awakened, raring to go. I want to make a dash, run out of the house, onto the streets and never stop. Does it sound like escapism? If yes, then what do I want to run away from? The ghosts of the past, which still threaten my present at times.

Sigh. Living with anxiety is chaotic. Most of the times I don't understand what triggers and when. But when it does, the knots in my stomach threaten to cripple me. One sip and I try to wash it all down. The acerbic thoughts, the aftertaste in the mouth of those bitter memories and the heart-in-mouth feeling as I hear my heartbeats increase. Bad way to start the morning! I moan and rewind to where the trail of thoughts started. 

Will I finish that long pending chapter today finally? Maybe. Or maybe I will send out a query for a short story I have been meaning to for the longest now. How about calling that therapist and schedule a session next week? Better still, lets just be today. Do nothing and still manage to get through the day

"Sometimes it's okay if all that you did today was BREATHE!"

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