Counting years

By

I turned a year older last week and it has been one of the most free-feeling birthday I have had in decades. Being born under an inauspicious star, the stigma associated with birthdays refused to leave me till I left the house for further studies. But as fate would have had it, I ended up with someone who was equally conservative about birthdays, dates, birth stars and the auspiciousness around it. It didn't take me that long to walk out of it as much as it took me to heal myself of all those accusations and learn how to celebrate myself.

This year, I got myself gifts after a decade or so of mourning. The minimalist me went shopping for clothes and lucky me, I found a perfect birthday dress in my size within half an hour. (Believe me when I say this, it is no mean feat to find something that I want in my size and THIS for me was a sign from the universe that it is high time I let go of everything that was and embrace everything that is to celebrate everything that will be!)

After years of filling every crack and crevice with love, hope and more love I can finally say I have reached a phase where I am proud of myself. The journey wasn't easy but it was totally worth it. Today I am at peace with myself and can experience the stillness in my thoughts instead of the rumbling waters they always sailed on. 

Lost a few, won a handful. Failed on some steps while some steps turned into escalators. Life took away more smiles than death from my life and that is a better thing in the long run I believe. You can always smile looking at someone's happy pictures on social media, but crying on a garlanded picture of a loved one is a nightmare I wouldn't wish for anybody. 

Amongst the many things I learnt one that comes to my mind very frequently off late is:

 'The people who are meant to be in your life never look for reasons. And the ones who want to leave, will find any and every reason to do so .' 

So here's to yet another year of discovering life and in that process discovering myself. Cheers! 

Source: freepik.com
It felt after ages I was finally able to say,

'This is how being 35 looks like. Picked up every broken piece and stitched them together with the thread of belief. Filled every crevice and crack with love. Refilled all those empty corners with hope. Painted the walls of my mind in bright fuchsia tones. And am ready to dance to the tunes of life!'



A decade ago, I had a lot of goals to be ticked before reaching this age. Out of all of them I guess I managed to fulfill only one - having my own place. (That is going to be a different post - it has a story of its own!) But no regrets at all. Till now I always felt something was amiss and it is only recently I realised that it was me. I hadn't given myself time to heal and was just dragging myself, leaving behind bits and pieces in people and places that I visited.

Since 2017, I decided to work on myself so that going forward all that  do would have 100% of me in mind and body, heart and soul. I don't know if I have made it completely, but I have surely progressed somewhere in that direction and that for me is comforting enough.

Source: Securens
Every year, since then I have made New Year resolutions and magically managed to stick to them. My resolutions are more like promises I make to myself and they serve as reminders every time I am tempted to go back to my old ways. 

So the promise for 2017 was - Never jump oceans for people who are not willing to jump puddles for you.

It helped every time some one was trying to break my boundaries and push me into that old cycle of becoming a doormat. 

For 2018 it was the famous Marie Kondo method - Does this bring me joy? - albeit applied to people in my life. 

Remembering my boundaries and redefining them constantly was a battle for me. The moment I let go of it even slightly I would slip back into my panic mode and that cycle was terrible to break away from. Coping with my CPTSD I had to tell myself it is okay to cut off from people who do not value your boundaries. Your mental health and happiness is important.

For 2019 it is - Give it your best, forget the rest

This has so far helped me in relieving myself of the unfair expectations that I tend to build up on myself due to my narcissistic parents. I have grown up undermining my capabilities to a large extent and this helps me remember, it is just the effort and/or attempt that is in my control. Rest everything is beyond my control. 

At the end of the day, I ask myself if I gave my 100% to that thing and if the answer is a resonating yes then it is a sign for me to sleep peacefully.

P.S: I will share my milestones and gratitude list in the next post, till then I am celebrating my birthday and wishes however belated are still welcome :)

Popular posts from this blog

Essay: How to mourn the loss of love?

By
Image
Image Source: Unsplash.com I remember the first time I mourned the loss of love was when I was eleven.  For me, dance was love at that time. I had discovered a strange joy as I glided in and out of those movements. Every time I swirled; I could feel my heart soar. Any beat that strained to reach my ears, tempted me to move my body to its tune. I just knew I was born to dance and that is the only thing I wanted to do, all my life.  I had my reasons to believe so and a very simple one at that. It made me happy. That was a reason enough. However, my father thought otherwise. Girls from good families, do not dance. That line was enough to break all those rosy dreams of dancing on a stage. The day my brother was sent to the same dance class which was not good for me, was the day I experienced heartbreak for the first time.  That is the day I mourned the loss of my first love- Dance. 
Keep reading »

Diary of a Lost Wanderer - Lost & Found

By
Image
Dear Diary, I fell in love with Mumbai when I first visited it in 1995. Bombay, as it was then known, fascinated me since then.  If you ask me what made me fall in love with this city, I perhaps cannot explain. It wasn't that I was seeing the sea for the first time. It wasn't even the biggest city I had been to till then. Still, there was something so magical about this place. The trip was a short one lasting less than a week but this city now had my heart. Years later, I arrived here all alone on my first solo trip in 2005 and fell in love all over again. I got my first job and was required to come to Mumbai frequently. The local trains, the chaos on the roads, the crowds, the humdrum, the salty smell in the air, the stale air- everything about this city was intoxicating for me. 
Keep reading »

Metro Diaries: The Art of Making Love

By
Image
Image Source: Unpexels (Cottonbro) “Do you know why is it called making love?” He whispered, pulling the comforter closer.  I don’t remember for how long we had been in that room, on that bed. Lying aimlessly, just feeling each other in silence. I managed to just whimper to denote my curiosity.   “Because that is the moment we create love. We are the closest we could ever be to love, in its purest form. It is sheer magic as we are naked, in every form. Mentally, physically and emotionally before that one person, we love. We know they can hurt us, as much as they want to, in the way they want to. But love gives us that power to trust them, that they won’t.”   “And here I was thinking it is a need. Something you want at that moment and you get it!” 
Keep reading »