Counting years

I turned a year older last week and it has been one of the most free-feeling birthday I have had in decades. Being born under an inauspicious star, the stigma associated with birthdays refused to leave me till I left the house for further studies. But as fate would have had it, I ended up with someone who was equally conservative about birthdays, dates, birth stars and the auspiciousness around it. It didn't take me that long to walk out of it as much as it took me to heal myself of all those accusations and learn how to celebrate myself.

This year, I got myself gifts after a decade or so of mourning. The minimalist me went shopping for clothes and lucky me, I found a perfect birthday dress in my size within half an hour. (Believe me when I say this, it is no mean feat to find something that I want in my size and THIS for me was a sign from the universe that it is high time I let go of everything that was and embrace everything that is to celebrate everything that will be!)

After years of filling every crack and crevice with love, hope and more love I can finally say I have reached a phase where I am proud of myself. The journey wasn't easy but it was totally worth it. Today I am at peace with myself and can experience the stillness in my thoughts instead of the rumbling waters they always sailed on. 

Lost a few, won a handful. Failed on some steps while some steps turned into escalators. Life took away more smiles than death from my life and that is a better thing in the long run I believe. You can always smile looking at someone's happy pictures on social media, but crying on a garlanded picture of a loved one is a nightmare I wouldn't wish for anybody. 

Amongst the many things I learnt one that comes to my mind very frequently off late is:

 'The people who are meant to be in your life never look for reasons. And the ones who want to leave, will find any and every reason to do so .' 

So here's to yet another year of discovering life and in that process discovering myself. Cheers! 

It felt after ages I was finally able to say,

'This is how being 35 looks like. Picked up every broken piece and stitched them together with the thread of belief. Filled every crevice and crack with love. Refilled all those empty corners with hope. Painted the walls of my mind in bright fuchsia tones. And am ready to dance to the tunes of life!'

A decade ago, I had a lot of goals to be ticked before reaching this age. Out of all of them I guess I managed to fulfill only one - having my own place. (That is going to be a different post - it has a story of its own!) But no regrets at all. Till now I always felt something was amiss and it is only recently I realised that it was me. I hadn't given myself time to heal and was just dragging myself, leaving behind bits and pieces in people and places that I visited.

Since 2017, I decided to work on myself so that going forward all that  do would have 100% of me in mind and body, heart and soul. I don't know if I have made it completely, but I have surely progressed somewhere in that direction and that for me is comforting enough.

Source: Securens
Every year, since then I have made New Year resolutions and magically managed to stick to them. My resolutions are more like promises I make to myself and they serve as reminders every time I am tempted to go back to my old ways. 

So the promise for 2017 was - Never jump oceans for people who are not willing to jump puddles for you.

It helped every time some one was trying to break my boundaries and push me into that old cycle of becoming a doormat. 

For 2018 it was the famous Marie Kondo method - Does this bring me joy? - albeit applied to people in my life. 

Remembering my boundaries and redefining them constantly was a battle for me. The moment I let go of it even slightly I would slip back into my panic mode and that cycle was terrible to break away from. Coping with my CPTSD I had to tell myself it is okay to cut off from people who do not value your boundaries. Your mental health and happiness is important.

For 2019 it is - Give it your best, forget the rest

This has so far helped me in relieving myself of the unfair expectations that I tend to build up on myself due to my narcissistic parents. I have grown up undermining my capabilities to a large extent and this helps me remember, it is just the effort and/or attempt that is in my control. Rest everything is beyond my control. 

At the end of the day, I ask myself if I gave my 100% to that thing and if the answer is a resonating yes then it is a sign for me to sleep peacefully.

P.S: I will share my milestones and gratitude list in the next post, till then I am celebrating my birthday and wishes however belated are still welcome :)

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