Diary of a Lost Wanderer

Image Source: Unsplash.com I remember the first time I mourned the loss of love was when I was eleven.  For me, dance was love at that time. I had discovered a strange joy as I glided in and out of those movements. Every time I swirled; I could feel my heart soar. Any beat that strained to reach my ears, tempted me to move my body to its tune. I just knew I was born to dance and that is the only thing I wanted to do, all my life.  I had my reasons to believe so and a very simple one at that. It made me happy. That was a reason enough. However, my father thought otherwise. Girls from good families, do not dance. That line was enough to break all those rosy dreams of dancing on a stage. The day my brother was sent to the same dance class which was not good for me, was the day I experienced heartbreak for the first time.  That is the day I mourned the loss of my first love- Dance. 

The whole internet is abuzz with how within the next a month and a half a decade will be ending. The discussions are around what all has everyone achieved in this decade. This made me think a lot. For starters I felt I have not achieved anything substantial but on more thinking I concluded, who defines substantial. I believe I have achieved a lot and so decided to document it here, just to remind myself how smallest of things actually add up to make the biggest of difference to one's life. “We’re so wrapped up with egotistical things, career, family, having enough money, meeting the mortgage, getting a new car, fixing the radiator when it breaks—we’re involved in trillions of little acts just to keep going. So we don’t get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying, Is this all? Is this all I want? Is something missing?”   ― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie Image Source: unsplash.com

Source: HuffPost Dear M, Tonight, as I lie down on my bed like always, I cannot help but think of you. Lying down on my stomach, I am reading a novel while the faint voice of Noor Jahan fills the air ". ... Hamari saanson main aaj tak woh… ". Cool breeze plays with my hair while the tingling sounds of the wind chime, add to the whole feel of the moment. I think of you, because that is how I remember you... always and all ways. Your hair, open, dancing in the air as you lie down on your bed with some novel. A heart-touching melody playing in background while you flip pages of that book with your long, sharp and brightly coloured nails which shine in the tender lights. A slight smile on your face now and then depicting that you are enjoying it all. I will always think of you like this - pristine and poetically beautiful.

Image Source: www.theindiansaga.com Masoom (Translated: Innocent) is a Hindi movie which released in 1983. Starring legendary actors Naseeruddin Shah and Shabana Azmi, this movie also featured future Bollywood actors Urmila Matondkar and Jugal Hansraj. Inspired by the famous novel Man, woman and child by Erich Segal , this movie revolves around the illegitimate son of Nasseruddin Shah from his previous lover. Till then they all are blissfully unaware about his existence. Nasseruddin Shah is happily married to Shabana Azmi with two daughters. The arrival of this son creates havoc in their lives and the rest of the story is based on their reactions to this new truth of their life.

Noorie stopped in her tracks while getting dressed up to go out. A crumpled piece of paper from her pocket had brought along an avalanche of memories. Just a normal day, just a normal outing and just her old favourite pair of jeans was now turning into an abnormal day.  A bill dated 26th June from her favourite coffee shop stared back at her as she opened the washed piece of paper and strained her eyes to read more. 26th June, that date got struck in her head. That was the day she had shared her last cup of coffee with him. As they walked out of the café hand in hand, he had met with a terrible accident which didn't injure him physically but he fainted on the road much to her dismay.

In the last few years, my ability to hold conversations has gone down. Initially it scared me, because I am a chatter box ( Or should I now say, WAS a chatter box ). My activity on WhatsApp has gone down to abysmal and so have my phone calls. I hate making or receiving calls. Worse, unexpected phone calls even from people I know give my anxiety. 

2009 Wake up Sid had released. As a movie it was dreamy and as a concept it felt so close to heart. I had set my foot in Mumbai for the first time as a child and had fallen in love with this city of dreams. 2004, I was back to this city. This time as an adult for an interview which was typically my first solo trip ever. This city has remained to me what I like to call my first love. You might break up and go however far you want, but there is a strange solace that you experience only here. In the next few years I was making frequent work trips to this magical city and every trip added more smiles to my dreary existence.  My love for Mumbai was what made this movie special because Mumbai is the narrator of this story. I have always believed this city breathes and this movie makes me hear its heartbeats in those tiny stories that come together to define Mumbai, a city with a heart. The most amazing part of this movie for me has to be the beautiful house Konkana Sen Sharma...

I turned a year older last week and it has been one of the most free-feeling birthday I have had in decades. Being born under an inauspicious star, the stigma associated with birthdays refused to leave me till I left the house for further studies. But as fate would have had it, I ended up with someone who was equally conservative about birthdays, dates, birth stars and the auspiciousness around it. It didn't take me that long to walk out of it as much as it took me to heal myself of all those accusations and learn how to celebrate myself. This year, I got myself gifts after a decade or so of mourning. The minimalist me went shopping for clothes and lucky me, I found a perfect birthday dress in my size within half an hour. (Believe me when I say this, it is no mean feat to find something that I want in my size and THIS for me was a sign from the universe that it is high time I let go of everything that was and embrace everything that is to celebrate everything that will be...

The morning rays filtered through the window as I took the last bite of my lavish Sunday brunch. Ah! Don't get any ideas. I am a lazy bum. Sundays for me are days to laze, more than the weekdays. I get up later than usual and cook something which serves the purpose of both breakfast and lunch.

Last four years have been eventful. Quit jobs, moved cities, went on solo trips, ticked off quite a few things off my wishlist and managed to survive all the changes my illness brings along. If there is one thing I realised amidst all this, then that was this; " This life is nothing but a place to make memories - Yaadon Ka karkhana. Some bitter, some sweet, some tear jerking while some that make you smile even after decades - but memories are always cherished. Because strangely people change, memories don't. "

Source:  Exchange For Change

When ;  Memories no longer beckon,  Ticking clock refuses to pause,  Mirror shows the stranger in it,  Empty racks tell a tale of their own,  Broken windows don't reflect the joy hidden in their crevices,  And life just refuses to smile.....  That is the moment when that place is no longer home. 

Wearing this today. Gifted to me by a very dear friend every time I wear it, it feels as if she is hugging me. smile emoticon Like I always say we are love hungry souls at the end of the day. We need such reminders of love around in form of memories, gifts, photographs, songs and what not. Picture Copyright : Privy Trifles

" Ananya if you don't listen to me and become a bad girl I will leave you and go away ." Even after 20 years she could still hear her mother's terse voice clearly. And today when Rajeev was just talking about his opinion on one of her actions she automatically heard the unsaid too "...I will leave you and go away ." It was wrongly said. Ghosts of the past never die. They continue to haunt you forever.

By the time I had turned 17, I was convinced I am the worst shrew possible on planet earth. And to top it all, I was sent away from home. They felt it was necessary to teach me few lessons of life. Today when I look back I am glad they did this, but then it made me more lonelier. Away in an alien city with no friends, I was sucked deeper into my own shell. On thinking about it, perhaps the roots for my constant desire to be on my own were sown during this time. I learnt the real meaning of life in this phase which lasted for almost 8 years shaping me into someone I call Me now.