Inspired Inscribes~ 33
*NARCISSIST ALERT* Today’s Inspired Inscribes is about me. I realized very recently that I am worth being an inspiration for. So please bear with me as I share some moments where I felt proud of myself.
Not very long ago I was someone who detested life to the core. Having seen the ugliest facets at a very tender age in life I had fallen in love with the darkest thing that life has got to offer – PAIN. I used to derive a strange pleasure from giving myself hurt in every form, physical, mental and emotional. Hiding inside me were demons – demons of my past, of my present, of all the failures around me, of everything that could be described in just one word – UGLY. I was holding myself responsible for things I never had anything to do with. But somehow that guilt kept seeping in deeper and deeper with every passing moment. Those demons were what I was left with and they ensured I was a captive, completely helpless, in their control letting them make me do what they wanted me to. I was fighting a losing battle. It didn’t take me long to give in and surrender whatever little was left in me.
Over a period of time I had reached a stage where I had cut myself off from the whole world. I had become a recluse who didn’t want to speak to anyone about anything for I feared they would laugh at me or would pity me – both things I hated. The best option was to stay quiet, keep everything to myself. And it was that which kept spreading inside me like poison harming all that was left inside. It wasn’t long before I was running from one doctor to other as that poison had now seeped in my physical body also. After what seemed like an endless battle I was recommended to a very senior doctor of the city.
After an hour of waiting when I met him, he studied my file for like about ten minutes and then looked at me in the eye, “Your problem in YOU. At such a young age you have such weird symptoms and no one else except you can help yourself. At this rate I wouldn’t be surprised to see you in an asylum in next 5 years. “The gravity of what he said took a lot of time to sink in and I didn’t know what in those words acted as the trigger, but I reached a stage where I decided enough was enough. I changed myself to an extent that today when I talk about these incidents most of the people refuse to believe me and for me this is the best compliment. Yes I still do have some low phases but the intensity of them is very low and the frequency sparse.
Somewhere sitting in that corridor of that hospital perhaps that day I learnt the biggest lesson of my life:
|Source: Google Images|
Your problems are your own and so is your pain. For you the world might have ended for others it means nothing. The way only you can feel your pain, likewise only YOU can heal that pain for yourself. For no one loves you the way you can!
Since then the journey has been awesome – knowing myself, crying with myself, loving myself, consoling myself and laughing with myself. Like it is said, becoming your own best friend is the best gift you can give to yourself. Then I would look around and see happiness. All I could feel was remorse for I felt I wasn’t blessed with it all.
Today when I look around I still see happiness and for a teeny weeny moment it does pinch me when that voice inside me chides my thoughts. “At this moment, as you are being jealous of someone on the road, someone somewhere wants to be you. They would do anything to be at your place. They think you are lucky to have it all!” And THAT voice is the inspiration for me. It helps me remain sane amidst all the madness around me. The best moments are when I am told I inspire and that my blog is one positive place to be brimming with hope for that’s when I smile the brightest and look at all those demons I have defeated to reach here. I finally won the battle!