Inspired Inscribes~ 33

By






*NARCISSIST ALERT* Today’s Inspired Inscribes is about me. I realized very recently that I am worth being an inspiration for. So please bear with me as I share some moments where I felt proud of myself. 

Not very long ago I was someone who detested life to the core. Having seen the ugliest facets at a very tender age in life I had fallen in love with the darkest thing that life has got to offer – PAIN. I used to derive a strange pleasure from giving myself hurt in every form, physical, mental and emotional. Hiding inside me were demons – demons of my past, of my present, of all the failures around me, of everything that could be described in just one word – UGLY. I was holding myself responsible for things I never had anything to do with. But somehow that guilt kept seeping in deeper and deeper with every passing moment. Those demons were what I was left with and they ensured I was a captive, completely helpless, in their control letting them make me do what they wanted me to. I was fighting a losing battle. It didn’t take me long to give in and surrender whatever little was left in me. 

Over a period of time I had reached a stage where I had cut myself off from the whole world. I had become a recluse who didn’t want to speak to anyone about anything for I feared they would laugh at me or would pity me – both things I hated. The best option was to stay quiet, keep everything to myself. And it was that which kept spreading inside me like poison harming all that was left inside. It wasn’t long before I was running from one doctor to other as that poison had now seeped in my physical body also. After what seemed like an endless battle I was recommended to a very senior doctor of the city. 

After an hour of waiting when I met him, he studied my file for like about ten minutes and then looked at me in the eye, “Your problem in YOU. At such a young age you have such weird symptoms and no one else except you can help yourself. At this rate I wouldn’t be surprised to see you in an asylum in next 5 years. “The gravity of what he said took a lot of time to sink in and I didn’t know what in those words acted as the trigger, but I reached a stage where I decided enough was enough. I changed myself to an extent that today when I talk about these incidents most of the people refuse to believe me and for me this is the best compliment. Yes I still do have some low phases but the intensity of them is very low and the frequency sparse. 

Somewhere sitting in that corridor of that hospital perhaps that day I learnt the biggest lesson of my life: 

Source: Google Images
 Your problems are your own and so is your pain. For you the world might have ended for others it means nothing. The way only you can feel your pain, likewise only YOU can heal that pain for yourself. For no one loves you the way you can! 

Since then the journey has been awesome – knowing myself, crying with myself, loving myself, consoling myself and laughing with myself. Like it is said, becoming your own best friend is the best gift you can give to yourself. Then I would look around and see happiness. All I could feel was remorse for I felt I wasn’t blessed with it all. 

Today when I look around I still see happiness and for a teeny weeny moment it does pinch me when that voice inside me chides my thoughts. “At this moment, as you are being jealous of someone on the road, someone somewhere wants to be you. They would do anything to be at your place. They think you are lucky to have it all!” And THAT voice is the inspiration for me. It helps me remain sane amidst all the madness around me. The best moments are when I am told I inspire and that my blog is one positive place to be brimming with hope for that’s when I smile the brightest and look at all those demons I have defeated to reach here. I finally won the battle!

Popular posts from this blog

Diary of a Lost Wanderer - Lost & Found

By
Image
Dear Diary, I fell in love with Mumbai when I first visited it in 1995. Bombay, as it was then known, fascinated me since then.  If you ask me what made me fall in love with this city, I perhaps cannot explain. It wasn't that I was seeing the sea for the first time. It wasn't even the biggest city I had been to till then. Still, there was something so magical about this place. The trip was a short one lasting less than a week but this city now had my heart. Years later, I arrived here all alone on my first solo trip in 2005 and fell in love all over again. I got my first job and was required to come to Mumbai frequently. The local trains, the chaos on the roads, the crowds, the humdrum, the salty smell in the air, the stale air- everything about this city was intoxicating for me. 
Keep reading »

Essay: How to mourn the loss of love?

By
Image
Image Source: Unsplash.com I remember the first time I mourned the loss of love was when I was eleven.  For me, dance was love at that time. I had discovered a strange joy as I glided in and out of those movements. Every time I swirled; I could feel my heart soar. Any beat that strained to reach my ears, tempted me to move my body to its tune. I just knew I was born to dance and that is the only thing I wanted to do, all my life.  I had my reasons to believe so and a very simple one at that. It made me happy. That was a reason enough. However, my father thought otherwise. Girls from good families, do not dance. That line was enough to break all those rosy dreams of dancing on a stage. The day my brother was sent to the same dance class which was not good for me, was the day I experienced heartbreak for the first time.  That is the day I mourned the loss of my first love- Dance. 
Keep reading »

Metro Diaries: The Art of Making Love

By
Image
Image Source: Unpexels (Cottonbro) “Do you know why is it called making love?” He whispered, pulling the comforter closer.  I don’t remember for how long we had been in that room, on that bed. Lying aimlessly, just feeling each other in silence. I managed to just whimper to denote my curiosity.   “Because that is the moment we create love. We are the closest we could ever be to love, in its purest form. It is sheer magic as we are naked, in every form. Mentally, physically and emotionally before that one person, we love. We know they can hurt us, as much as they want to, in the way they want to. But love gives us that power to trust them, that they won’t.”   “And here I was thinking it is a need. Something you want at that moment and you get it!” 
Keep reading »