Diary of a Lost Wanderer

Privilege [ˈprɪvɪlɪdʒ]  NOUN a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group.  Privilege comes in different forms. I am privileged in more than one ways and still I at times struggle to understand the reality of a situation. Though I do make conscious attempts, I will confess I fail myself a lot. Over the last few years, the number has ofcourse come down and am still learning. But the fact that it needs to be spoken about, doesn't take away anything from the seriousness of this issue. 

Source: Quotesgram.com Last weekend I had gone grocery shopping. Sounds like the most normal thing to do, isn't it? But well when you have anxiety at it peak for weeks, it is a huge thing to do. On top of it, rains have been incessant for the past few weeks turning me into a homebody. I had began to detest this weather and on Saturday morning when the sun decided to shine through after what seemed like the quarter of a month I decided to go out and get some work done. It took me the longest to manage to reach the supermarket and the crowd there, almost deterred my spirit. However, I kept pushing myself and slowly strolled through the shelves with my headphones on, just to keep my anxiety in check.

**( Trigger Warning: Anxiety attack / Panic attacks )** Image Source: Link In a recent conversation with a friend, I realized how living with anxiety is somehow in-describable in words. So this is an attempt to do that!

Source:  Dr. Mark Flannery What happens when you wear the cloak of loneliness for too long? It becomes your second skin. So much so that people ignore it completely. Only you know how uncomfortable you are in it. Every time you face yourself in the mirror a volcano of feelings erupts in your mind. Slowly, starting from the pit of your stomach the lava travels to your chest, warming up the alleys as it goes upwards. After setting your heart on fire, it then reaches for your eyes from where the lava threatens to leak before engulfing your entire body in its heat wave... leaving you with no choice but to burn with agony in it. The agony of being lonely. The agony of left unseen. Unheard. Unknown. 

Source:  Positive Prescription This month I am grateful for a lot of things in general, though there is also a specific list but I would rather share this one here before sharing the other one later perhaps. So without much ado, here's the list of things I am grateful for:

“ It's a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack. ” ― Germany Kent

" You are a strong girl !" I grew up listening to this often. More as a means to quieten me rather than a compliment. Every time I threw a tantrum, I cried, I failed, I got hurt - these words were there to remind me that I was not supposed to be weak. Or, should I say, I was not allowed to be weak. 

Today, yet again...  Someone made fun of my illness.  Someone mocked at the abuse I have been through in life.  Someone laughed at the trauma I faced and the therapies I took to heal myself.  Someone giggled at the fierceness with which I continue facing life thinking I am my own super hero. 

Source:  Medium " Learning to consciously practice gratitude can change your life ." Since last 2 years I have been trying to count my blessings as a step towards inner healing and the results have been deeply satisfying. For the first year I wrote letters to all the people I felt had either been hurt by me or had hurt me in some way. The letters were never sent but those 365 letters changed how I saw people around me and also the way I saw my own behavior. For the second year, I wrote 365 letters to myself because I felt I needed to be reminded of the love I was blessed with, the good things need to be around for keepsakes. Those 365 letters were such an amazing gift to myself at the end of the year and it did wonders for my confidence.  This year I decided to document my gratitude journal on this blog so that I can count my blessings and remind myself of the goodness I am surrounded with, despite it all. Though a little late I want to start this journey to...

Source:  www.letters.org Dear Friend,  I smile every time I read your last letter: “ Anytime you need a friend, I will always be there for you .“ But maybe we never thought of a time when the pain inside me would have strangulated my voice. Would you still be able to hear my cries for help? Will you be a friend, even when I can’t say I need one?  I need you. I need you to talk to me, listen to me and discuss everything under the sun and not just my disease. I am already facing it day in and out. Talking about it constantly is depressing at times. Let’s talk about the places you have been travelling to or the latest movies released. I would never want it to be about all that should have been but wasn’t. I would rather want it to be about all that can be, shall be and will be. Read the whole letter HERE

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As we celebrate Mental Health Awareness Week across the globe this week, do read my guest post on it at a very wonderful author cum blogger Aniesha Brahma 's blog.

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By the time I had turned 17, I was convinced I am the worst shrew possible on planet earth. And to top it all, I was sent away from home. They felt it was necessary to teach me few lessons of life. Today when I look back I am glad they did this, but then it made me more lonelier. Away in an alien city with no friends, I was sucked deeper into my own shell. On thinking about it, perhaps the roots for my constant desire to be on my own were sown during this time. I learnt the real meaning of life in this phase which lasted for almost 8 years shaping me into someone I call Me now.

One of the most important lessons I learnt in my three decade old life is: " There is no wound worse than the ones you give yourself! " because it shows how much you hate yourself to have done that.   I faintly remember being bullied all throughout my school and college for a very strange reason - I was too gullible. I remember my worst childhood punishments were when my mom would refuse to speak to me and ensure I was boycotted in the house. That secluded feeling it brought along was worst. I carried that fear so deep within me that till date my worst fear is being avoided/ignored and left alone. And it is because of this that I took into whatever was told to me every single time.  Source:  www.pinterest.com

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