Diary of a Lost Wanderer : Let there be light

I hate darkness. To put it more appropriately I am scared of darkness. It looks like a never ending abyss to me, waiting for me to come closer and suck me inside to a place from where there is no escape possible. There are a lot of uncomfortable memories for me associated with it, which makes it the ugliest thing for me that could ever exist.

As a child I have faint memories of my mother asking me to fetch things from my room and I would just be standing at the entrance. Quaking in fear I would pray for some miracle to happen that would help me escape from this torture. It never struck me that the magic lay in my hands, I just had to walk to the switch board and press a switch. My mind would have already pictured the imaginary monsters waiting inside to gobble me up at the next opportune moment.

I remember being called “fattu” (the timid one) just for this reason. Just to avoid that nickname I began venturing into the dark and every time I came out unscathed I would feel victorious only to be scared again the moment I had to go back. This battle continued till one day I read a poem in school.

The woods are lovely dark and deep...but I have promises to keep.
 

And began a new battle how something dark can be lovely. For me it was something as simple as being scared of closing my eyes, for that is how the world becomes then – dark and mysterious without any way out. In my growing up years I changed cities and lived in hostels sharing my room with strangers who later on went on to become friends. But somehow I never wanted to share this fear with them; maybe the fear of being laughed upon and called a “fattu” still haunted me deep inside. As a result I hugged it more tightly letting it seep within completely.

Far away from family those were the days when I was trying to find my own self and I had grasped that to unearth this treasure I had to walk through the lanes of fear. And that is when I began to see the beauty behind this darkness. I learnt the more you feed on your fear, the fear feeds on you. The moment you decide to face it, is the moment when it becomes faceless.

Source: Google Images

In those lonely nights I saw the twinkling stars which brightened the dark sky, the fairy lights which magically turned the ugliest things into the beautiful masterpieces. I saw the street lights that illuminated a dark street making it dreamlike. I witnessed the splendour of a candle, the way a tiny wick whisked away the monstrous darkness. Most importantly I saw the light within each one of us that had the capacity to shine in the darkest of alleys and show us the way ahead. I realised that beyond my comfort zone there lay a courage zone that was waiting. Waiting for me to just take a step into it and conquer my fears. The moment I took that step everything around me was transformed beyond recognition.

As I grew up I realised that the fear of darkness was nothing but the fear of the unknown and it is not possible to know all that you want to for two reasons. Either you are not ready for it or you are just not supposed to know. This thought helped me cope with a lot of things. One it helped me deal with my fear and it also helped me accept a lot of facts of life which till then I was battling with.

Source: Google Images

Today every time I see a dark room I see hope. A hope of illuminating it with the light of my being, a hope of bringing down all the stars of the sky to brighten it up completely, a hope to ignite a thousand dreams within so that there are no traces of darkness left.

~ The Lost Wanderer
Somewhere in the realms of the mind
October 2013

P.S: I am guest authoring at Project 365 for the month of June. My prompt for today was Write about something you consider “ugly” — war, violence, failure, hatred — but try to find beauty, or a sense of hope, in your thoughts.