Diary of a Lost Wanderer : Let there be light


I hate darkness. To put it more appropriately I am scared of darkness. It looks like a never ending abyss to me, waiting for me to come closer and suck me inside to a place from where there is no escape possible. There are a lot of uncomfortable memories for me associated with it, which makes it the ugliest thing for me that could ever exist.
As a child I have faint memories of my mother asking me to fetch things from my room and I would just be standing at the entrance. Quaking in fear I would pray for some miracle to happen that would help me escape from this torture. It never struck me that the magic lay in my hands, I just had to walk to the switch board and press a switch. My mind would have already pictured the imaginary monsters waiting inside to gobble me up at the next opportune moment.

I remember being called “fattu” (the timid one) just for this reason. Just to avoid that nickname I began venturing into the dark and every time I came out unscathed I would feel victorious only to be scared again the moment I had to go back. This battle continued till one day I read a poem in school.
The woods are lovely dark and deep...but I have promises to keep.
 
And began a new battle how something dark can be lovely. For me it was something as simple as being scared of closing my eyes, for that is how the world becomes then – dark and mysterious without any way out. In my growing up years I changed cities and lived in hostels sharing my room with strangers who later on went on to become friends. But somehow I never wanted to share this fear with them; maybe the fear of being laughed upon and called a “fattu” still haunted me deep inside. As a result I hugged it more tightly letting it seep within completely.
Far away from family those were the days when I was trying to find my own self and I had grasped that to unearth this treasure I had to walk through the lanes of fear. And that is when I began to see the beauty behind this darkness. I learnt the more you feed on your fear, the fear feeds on you. The moment you decide to face it, is the moment when it becomes faceless.
Source: Google Images

In those lonely nights I saw the twinkling stars which brightened the dark sky, the fairy lights which magically turned the ugliest things into the beautiful masterpieces. I saw the street lights that illuminated a dark street making it dreamlike. I witnessed the splendour of a candle, the way a tiny wick whisked away the monstrous darkness. Most importantly I saw the light within each one of us that had the capacity to shine in the darkest of alleys and show us the way ahead. I realised that beyond my comfort zone there lay a courage zone that was waiting. Waiting for me to just take a step into it and conquer my fears. The moment I took that step everything around me was transformed beyond recognition.
As I grew up I realised that the fear of darkness was nothing but the fear of the unknown and it is not possible to know all that you want to for two reasons. Either you are not ready for it or you are just not supposed to know. This thought helped me cope with a lot of things. One it helped me deal with my fear and it also helped me accept a lot of facts of life which till then I was battling with.
Source: Google Images
Today every time I see a dark room I see hope. A hope of illuminating it with the light of my being, a hope of bringing down all the stars of the sky to brighten it up completely, a hope to ignite a thousand dreams within so that there are no traces of darkness left.

~ The Lost Wanderer
Somewhere in the realms of the mind
October 2013


P.S: I am guest authoring at Project 365 for the month of June. My prompt for today was Write about something you consider “ugly” — war, violence, failure, hatred — but try to find beauty, or a sense of hope, in your thoughts.

Comments

  1. My first time here and I'm loving it :)

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    1. Thanks and welcome to my space :)

      Hope to see you here more often!

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  2. "Today every time I see a dark room, I see hope." Very well said! Deep, full of meaning, potential and yes, hope! This was a lovely read, Privy :)

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    1. Thank you so much , I always like the way you have atleast one thing to pick from the post and the way it somehow holds the entire essence of the post in it :)

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  3. I loved this post , really .. I was a scary cat i tell you of darkness , and my dad would say how can you be afraid in your own house .. but i slowly got over it only to find that I have passed this on to my sister :)

    You are such a lovely person and I am sure what you say is right you will and probably do that all the time by being you bringing light by illuminating a dark place always ..

    your posts say that about you and I am so happy that i know you and beleive me I am not saying all this to please you or anything ... so Chillax :)


    Bikram

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    1. Wow that was some anecdote B. It needs a lot of courage I believe to share our fears and the comments here makes me feel proud to know such strong people.

      And that is really sweet of you to say that... thank you :)

      I hope you can see me smiling.. from ear to ear. I know you don't have any reason to flatter me or please me for anything!

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  4. Loved the way u write mam.. :P

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    1. I don't need to guess who YOU :P

      Thank you so much Ma'am :)

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  5. Nice post
    http://www.ananyatales.com/

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  6. I confess that I am scared of darkness. I cannot sleep with the lights off and it started during my hostel days and just freak out when the lights off. Very well written and the words spoke a lot from within. I enjoyed the narration and the flow of words that makes a compelling read:)

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    1. Thank you so much Vishal not only for these lovely words but also to have shared about you. I admire it truly!

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  7. Well, it is mostly due to our perception. I have heard of several people who are afraid of the dark. I tried really hard to understand why. Darkness, for me, has always been a refuge; a place I could go to when everything seems hopeless to find my true self; to see only that which has the most impact; to find the path which I can tread.

    It is only because of dark that light exists. An excess of either is going to be unbearable and neither is a villain as we make them out to be. I have found my strength in darkness, I have found my true self through darkness and that is why I appreciate it more than anything in my life. It is a shell where I can hide when the world becomes too much of a plight.

    You found your courage due to darkness, isn't it? It is great that you managed to overcome your fear. Just recently I realized something- 'if we can't run away from something then we have to learn to live with it'. That applies with our fears as well.

    Have a great day! ᕙ( ^ₒ^ c)

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    1. I beg to differ Sui it is not always about perception. It has also got something to do with experiences. When you have tons of memories in that darkness which are unpleasant and scary, and every second that you spend in that darkness reminds you of the pain you went through beneath that dark quilt is actually the moment when you detest it being around you every moment.

      Having said I also accept what you have mentioned - light exists because darkness does. Like ways good exists because bad does.

      Very truly said - I loved your last lines <3

      Same to you :D

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    2. That may very well be the case. Since I limited my understanding to how I view things, I may have missed to note that. Apologies for that! :)

      Facing the same thing under different circumstances can lead to differences in how each of the individual sees it.

      As for me, I feel enlightened whenever I get to know differing opinions on a subject. ^^.

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  8. I was always terrified of darkness...why? i don't know! the fear gave way to courage when I had to stay away from home for a new job... initially just switching off the lights while going to sleep used to make me paranoid, i used to always sleep with lights on and chanting hanuman chalisa!!! it took some time to overcome that fear!

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    1. Can relate to it Little Princess, for me also it took a lot of time but today somehow its no longer a fear I can say :)

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  9. Darkness was also my nightmare and I remember teaching the same to my kiddo.

    Well put, Privy :)

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  10. I guess with time we overcome our fear of darkness that somehow gets instilled as a kid! The jungle that looks so beautiful in the day becomes so scary in the night no!? But I guess its not the dark that scares us... its the fear of the unknown, not being able to see what might be there... once we over come our own fear... the dark is just another time of the day... and like you said... perhaps Dark signifies hope! :)

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    1. Very rightly said hitchy... darkness signifies hope like nothing else.

      And yes forests are enchanting the way they are.

      Thanks for stopping by :)

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