Diary of a Lost Wanderer

Dear Diary, I fell in love with Mumbai when I first visited it in 1995. Bombay, as it was then known, fascinated me since then.  If you ask me what made me fall in love with this city, I perhaps cannot explain. It wasn't that I was seeing the sea for the first time. It wasn't even the biggest city I had been to till then. Still, there was something so magical about this place. The trip was a short one lasting less than a week but this city now had my heart. Years later, I arrived here all alone on my first solo trip in 2005 and fell in love all over again. I got my first job and was required to come to Mumbai frequently. The local trains, the chaos on the roads, the crowds, the humdrum, the salty smell in the air, the stale air- everything about this city was intoxicating for me. 

  How often do we underestimate the power of stories hidden within our family! This isn’t about such a story but about a possible alternate ending to one that has been haunting me for days. So I am sharing it here. My great-great-grandfather is a famous writer in my mother tongue. His works are considered classics today. Considered to be a visionary, he could foresee the future with unmatched accuracy. He didn’t rely on palmistry or horoscopes. It was his sixth sense that was so powerful. 

Source: HuffPost Dear M, Tonight, as I lie down on my bed like always, I cannot help but think of you. Lying down on my stomach, I am reading a novel while the faint voice of Noor Jahan fills the air ". ... Hamari saanson main aaj tak woh… ". Cool breeze plays with my hair while the tingling sounds of the wind chime, add to the whole feel of the moment. I think of you, because that is how I remember you... always and all ways. Your hair, open, dancing in the air as you lie down on your bed with some novel. A heart-touching melody playing in background while you flip pages of that book with your long, sharp and brightly coloured nails which shine in the tender lights. A slight smile on your face now and then depicting that you are enjoying it all. I will always think of you like this - pristine and poetically beautiful.

Image Source: creativityaustralia.org.au Life is all about wishes. We wish for something and we get something else, only to realise that perhaps we were wishing for this more than what we thought we were. If you have been following my blog since inception (Ah! That sounds so technical!) But you get the sense of it right? If you have been here for a while you will know that I have had my own share of 'claim to fame' moments when I got published in anthologies and then ofcourse my solo collection Metro Diaries 1 & 2. After that of course things have been quiet for the longest now and honestly, I have no clue when I will have something huge to announce. THAT is actually the reason behind this post.

**( Trigger Warning: Anxiety attack / Panic attacks )** Image Source: Link In a recent conversation with a friend, I realized how living with anxiety is somehow in-describable in words. So this is an attempt to do that!

In the last few months, there have been atleast two instances where people felt let down only because I did not share enough with them. And the first thought that came to my mind was this; “ It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else .” ― Erma Bombeck Since the time I began understanding the importance of friends and relationships, I have been struggling to make decent friends. It is after many years that I came to know it had to do with my childhood trauma as I had somewhere ceased trusting people, and worst, trusting my own self too. Believe me it was a humongous task to make my self believe in me, know that I will not let myself down and though my therapist says I have done a brilliant job, I still feel I have a long way to go. Maybe few years down the line when I have healed myself more, I might be able to reach out and help others heal. Today when I am hurting so bad, I can barely see myself helping someone heal let alone being a g...

“ The world needs someone they can admire from a distance; from a very far distance. ” ― Michael Bassey Johnson Image Source:  Conscious Lifestyle Magazine I am a Gemini which makes change an eternal part of my nature. I need a change in life as frequently as one changes their bed-sheets ( Guilty as charged! ) And by change I mean change in the menu for breakfast and dinner or maybe layout of my living room, the arrangement of my bookshelf or my clothes rack. At times, it goes to the extent of changing the color of walls, the curtains, the decor and such intricate details as well which is a rarity. 

** Trigger Alert : Suicide, self harm, depression, gas lighting, toxic childhood, abuse ** Dear Diary, Tonight I am unable to stop. The toxic taste refuses to leave my mouth. I tried everything. I gargled with Listerine at least half a dozen times. Since that fateful moment I have consumed more than 4 packets of chewing gum but to no avail. I am writing this sitting in the bathroom. I am scared I will puke anytime and I don't want to risk Mamma's wrath yet again. Since morning she is so angry with me. I don't have it in me to fight with her one more time.

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ― Albert Einstein Dear Diary,  Miss scolded me in the drawing class. I coloured the sky green and the grass yellow. It somehow looked right to me. Everybody in the class laughed at me. 

(C) Privy Trifles :Translation: I lit lamps in my house after many days, perhaps the light of your memories has finally started dwindling. 

 

As I walked down a narrow street today I saw an old couple coming from the opposite end. Wrinkled, fragile they walked hand in hand as if they were each other's walking stick. Holding onto each other for support they made a very pretty picture. We bumped into each other at a small bridge which the old man was vary of stepping on. As I stretched my hand in order to help he extended his hand along with hers held tightly. Maybe this is what they meant when they coined the terms," together forever" and "till death do us apart". P.S: The title of this post is borrowed from Nicholas Spark's book of the same name. I somehow felt it does justice to this sweet tale.  P.P.S: This is a true story.