Confessions of a confused soul # 10 The Painful Memory

Source: www.wsj.com

One of the earliest lessons I learnt in life was “Your pain is yours alone.” I don’t exactly remember how old I was when I finally learnt it but I do remember the first class which led to it. I was 8 years old and had injured myself while playing khokho at school. Both my knees were badly bruised and I had come home bleeding. I was given first aid at school but the pain was too much to bear. As I ran to my mom that evening in an attempt to whine about that, she looked at me very sternly and said, “Are you a coward? This is just a small cut and look at you. If you pamper it so much it won’t go away. Be strong and learn how to bear some pain. It will help you in life.” 

I also remember how both the wounds had turned septic after a week for the lack of proper medication and I was on injectable antibiotics for 10 days. That injury did end up as two gruesome scars on both my knees each but that lesson also ended up as an unforgettable mark on my psyche. All through my growing up years every time I cried she would say the same thing, “Are you a coward? Be strong!” And my mind interpreted it as “Your pain is yours alone. No one in this world will understand it.” There began the ritual of long showers under whose guise I would cry my heart out. Before emerging from the bathroom I would ensure I looked as normal as possible. Gradually I had started alienating people from my life because I could see the same lack of empathy I saw in my mom’s eyes every time I shared my problem. 

I tried, genuinely for many years to come. I tried confiding in her about how my heart hurts after my first heartbreak or how my not getting a promotion despite working so hard was giving me sleepless nights. But just one word from me would act like a trigger for her; she would begin her own story of pain and sorrow in life. Instead of trying to become a motivation for me (which I believe was her idea in doing this) it ensured I was pushed further into my own shell. I started cutting myself off emotionally and kept all the pain to myself. Today after almost two decades to that first lesson I am still confused whether that lesson helped me or damaged me. I see a lot of people collapse around me while I have miraculously managed to face things bravely when I had thought I had lost everything within me solely based on only one thing “Are you a coward?” 

The only minus I have experienced or rather my closed ones have experienced is that I never share anything bad that happens not even the worst things. I go alone for all my checkups, I got admitted into a hospital myself all alone, when I had to shift cities due to some reasons I did it all alone – lock, stock and barrel! I am yet to find someone who is convincingly empathetic about my pain but then on second thoughts am I even looking for someone like that? Last year when I was detected with an auto immune disorder where my trigger was stress the doctor also confirmed it, “You are very strong hence your physical health has got affected and not mental health.” I burst out laughing thinking about my mother. 

Call me strange, but then that is what defines me as I continue to believe, “My pain is mine alone!”

P.S: This post is a part of the weekly prompt by Blog Chatter. This week's prompt is Can I confess? Every Wednesday be a part of the Blog Chatter on twitter at 8:30 pm

Comments

  1. This is a very deep post... and it takes so many such incidents of our lives to bring the dots together. It took me a decade to finally realise that being strong has conditions applied. We can give ourselves breaks..

    Richa

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    1. Yes the fact that we can give ourselves breaks is something I realised very recently. I concluded it is okay to break down at times and just not be strong anymore.

      It takes a lot of it to make us what we are today and somewhere such incidents define us.

      Hugs <3

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  2. This post spoke so personally to me as my mother was, as I was growing up, very much like the one you describe here, Privy. Ironically, too, I developed an autoimmune disease in my mid-twenties: discoid Lupus. Not life threatening by any means, but definitely brought on by stress. Thank you for this confession. Blessings!

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    1. Writing these confessions have helped me a lot Martha. In these 10 posts I can feel the amount of faith that has replaced guilt in my heart. Though I know there is a long way to go I know for sure someday I will be there.

      Mine is also not life threatening but yes it does impact our life style hugely.

      Thanks for always being there Martha, hugs <3

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  3. I also believe the same. No one can understand the intensity of one's pain. If we are lucky, we have loved ones around us who are compassionate towards us during the challenging period....but completely understanding the pain is not really possible.
    I am so glad to know a person like you. Hugs <3
    And I will surely check out BlogChatter to be a part. Have a great day ahead, Namrata :)

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    1. Very true Purba and am glad we met :) There to be a special connection that binds us.

      I will tag you tonight when we begin on twitter then if you are free you can participate.

      Hugs and loads of love :*

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  4. Hugsss

    I dunno I aint strong perhaps, but I always have needed some support.

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    1. Hugs back to you Hitchy :)

      No it is not about being weak or strong. It is about having faith in people around you. Seeking support is a sign that you are blessed with people around who will give you what you are looking for!

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  5. Good take on 'pain'. Truly its all ours.

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    1. Thanks so much for stopping by :)

      Glad you agree!

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  6. Hi:) Happy to be here after a long hiatus. And I do agree to every word of the post. No one told me that one suffers the pain all by oneself. but then, I happened to learn that over the years. Like you, I too withdraw into my own shell when confronted by stabs of pain. I do not share it with my friends and no, not even with my parents, unless it is something that should involve them. But I do, find out ways to divert my attention from the pangs- like writing, watching movies, series, listening to music etc. Going out with friends or even talking to them on matters outside the cause of pain helps, but not when I am overly depressed.

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    1. Hey real real long time! Wrote to you so many times on Facebook too just to check on you. Hope you are doing good.


      What all you said is true, glad you have people to depend on sometimes they make life seem so better just by being there. Isn't it?

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  7. Such a beautiful post Namrata! It's truly courageous of you to confess how you deal with your pain! But this is what the reality is...I have gone through same feelings. .On the lighter note, at least there is something that is entirely ours, don't need to share with anyone! 😊

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  8. I am happy to hear that you kept me on your thoughts:) I was busy with my post graduation and the final exams. Fortunately I am at a relaxed space now. I hope to be here often from now on :)

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