Diary of a Lost Wanderer ~ The Doctrine of Acceptance
A rainy endless night -November, 2015
Somewhere in the dark realms of my imagination
This night seems to be endless as it just refuses to end. I have been trying to sleep since 11 and my clock tells me it is 3 am right now. I am not even a wee bit sleepy, all I want to do is think, write and just keep gazing into the nothingness around me.
Strangely it doesn't feel scary or unnerving. Maybe finally the doctrine of acceptance has seeped into me. I laugh at my own thoughts for a moment. I had been battling with this for as long as I could remember. Having grown up on a healthy diet which consisted of the flaws I had more than the good things my mind had auto tuned itself to mute the voices when the list started getting replayed. But somehow the previous music had stayed with me.
I had grown up believing all the faults to be mine. At 24 it was an eye opener and since then I was battling to accept myself as I was. Chubby, tall, motor-mouth, arrogant, Ms. Know-it-all, stubborn, rigid and argumentative. Yes I was all of that and more. Yes some of them were bad qualities but then that made me me, I don't want to be another clone in this world. Nor have I participated in any Ms. Goody Goody Two shoes contest that I need to be on my best behaviour all the time.Surprisingly what some people saw as positives others saw as faults like my gullible nature, ability to trust anyone and everyone, willing to go to any extent just to help anyone.
There came a time when I stopped wanting to change anything in me. I wanted to be accepted for what I was without being reminded about my flaws or positives and that I learnt could happen only if I did it myself. My first lesson was learning how to say No and yes though I cannot say I have mastered it. I can claim I have done a decent job for myself in this year.
Striking off many lessons to be learnt and trying to master them with practice that is the key for me to doctrine of acceptance.