From the attic of memories ~ Day # 2 (On healing)
Today, yet again...
Someone made fun of my illness.
Someone mocked at the abuse I have been through in life.
Someone laughed at the trauma I faced and the therapies I took to heal myself.
Someone giggled at the fierceness with which I continue facing life thinking I am my own super hero.
Someone joked about how great I am at faking it all and that I should consider acting in movies instead.
Someone called me a negative influence on people around me.
Someone told me how my issues were nothing compared to what everyone else goes through and that its no big deal.
Someone wanted me to understand that I need to go get a life.
Someone concluded it was all inside my head.
Someone stated it is all in my imagination.
Today, yet again - I forgave that person.
Today, yet again for the umpteenth time I reminded myself - I am not my past.
Today yet again, I realized how important it is to forgive your own self before forgiving anybody else around who might have hurt you in any way.
I never claim to have gone through a lot but I do claim to have learnt a lot through all that I have witnessed. I have learnt that people are not bad, it is the circumstances that make them bad. And when we try to understand the circumstances, we are able to see the rationale behind their seemingly irrational behaviors. This also helps in being able to not see the person behind the action, but the thought behind the action. Giving hell to someone because you are going through one, is a normal human reaction to hurt and anger. Removing the feelings behind it from the context and then revisiting the events helps you look at it in a different perspective.
This is not the first time it has happened with me and I am not at all surprised at it. Rather, what surprised me, was my ability to stay calm and not let it affect me unlike before. I was able to see them, their anger, abuses and hurt subjectively which helped me in not feeling bad or getting angry in return. I might still have a long way to go when it comes to healing, but small milestones like this make me feel proud of the distance I have covered so far.
I don't know what lies for me at the end of the journey, but the very fact that I am able to be the change I wanted to be, to see things in a neutral perspective and not go into self-blame/ victim mode is my own victory. However small and insignificant, this victory is mine to savor for the moment.
“Pain is a pesky part of being human, I've learned it feels like a stab wound to the heart, something I wish we could all do without, in our lives here. Pain is a sudden hurt that can't be escaped. But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air! We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces.” ― C. JoyBell C