Diary of a Lost Wanderer

Image Source: Unsplash.com I remember the first time I mourned the loss of love was when I was eleven.  For me, dance was love at that time. I had discovered a strange joy as I glided in and out of those movements. Every time I swirled; I could feel my heart soar. Any beat that strained to reach my ears, tempted me to move my body to its tune. I just knew I was born to dance and that is the only thing I wanted to do, all my life.  I had my reasons to believe so and a very simple one at that. It made me happy. That was a reason enough. However, my father thought otherwise. Girls from good families, do not dance. That line was enough to break all those rosy dreams of dancing on a stage. The day my brother was sent to the same dance class which was not good for me, was the day I experienced heartbreak for the first time.  That is the day I mourned the loss of my first love- Dance. 

  How often do we underestimate the power of stories hidden within our family! This isn’t about such a story but about a possible alternate ending to one that has been haunting me for days. So I am sharing it here. My great-great-grandfather is a famous writer in my mother tongue. His works are considered classics today. Considered to be a visionary, he could foresee the future with unmatched accuracy. He didn’t rely on palmistry or horoscopes. It was his sixth sense that was so powerful. 

Home.  A feeling I have always longed for and never found. Though in many ways this place gives me a sense of belonging, there is still something amiss. I cannot exactly point my finger as to what is it. I only know, the abyss within my heart refuses to be filled. Last week I longed to be home and that is when I realized the feeling of missing isn’t about a place or a person, it is about the feeling of familiarity. You miss the comfort that familiarity brings along. 

The whole internet is abuzz with how within the next a month and a half a decade will be ending. The discussions are around what all has everyone achieved in this decade. This made me think a lot. For starters I felt I have not achieved anything substantial but on more thinking I concluded, who defines substantial. I believe I have achieved a lot and so decided to document it here, just to remind myself how smallest of things actually add up to make the biggest of difference to one's life. “We’re so wrapped up with egotistical things, career, family, having enough money, meeting the mortgage, getting a new car, fixing the radiator when it breaks—we’re involved in trillions of little acts just to keep going. So we don’t get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying, Is this all? Is this all I want? Is something missing?”   ― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie Image Source: unsplash.com

Source: HuffPost Dear M, Tonight, as I lie down on my bed like always, I cannot help but think of you. Lying down on my stomach, I am reading a novel while the faint voice of Noor Jahan fills the air ". ... Hamari saanson main aaj tak woh… ". Cool breeze plays with my hair while the tingling sounds of the wind chime, add to the whole feel of the moment. I think of you, because that is how I remember you... always and all ways. Your hair, open, dancing in the air as you lie down on your bed with some novel. A heart-touching melody playing in background while you flip pages of that book with your long, sharp and brightly coloured nails which shine in the tender lights. A slight smile on your face now and then depicting that you are enjoying it all. I will always think of you like this - pristine and poetically beautiful.

Image Source: www.theindiansaga.com Masoom (Translated: Innocent) is a Hindi movie which released in 1983. Starring legendary actors Naseeruddin Shah and Shabana Azmi, this movie also featured future Bollywood actors Urmila Matondkar and Jugal Hansraj. Inspired by the famous novel Man, woman and child by Erich Segal , this movie revolves around the illegitimate son of Nasseruddin Shah from his previous lover. Till then they all are blissfully unaware about his existence. Nasseruddin Shah is happily married to Shabana Azmi with two daughters. The arrival of this son creates havoc in their lives and the rest of the story is based on their reactions to this new truth of their life.

Privilege [ˈprɪvɪlɪdʒ]  NOUN a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group.  Privilege comes in different forms. I am privileged in more than one ways and still I at times struggle to understand the reality of a situation. Though I do make conscious attempts, I will confess I fail myself a lot. Over the last few years, the number has ofcourse come down and am still learning. But the fact that it needs to be spoken about, doesn't take away anything from the seriousness of this issue. 

In the last few years, my ability to hold conversations has gone down. Initially it scared me, because I am a chatter box ( Or should I now say, WAS a chatter box ). My activity on WhatsApp has gone down to abysmal and so have my phone calls. I hate making or receiving calls. Worse, unexpected phone calls even from people I know give my anxiety. 

2009 Wake up Sid had released. As a movie it was dreamy and as a concept it felt so close to heart. I had set my foot in Mumbai for the first time as a child and had fallen in love with this city of dreams. 2004, I was back to this city. This time as an adult for an interview which was typically my first solo trip ever. This city has remained to me what I like to call my first love. You might break up and go however far you want, but there is a strange solace that you experience only here. In the next few years I was making frequent work trips to this magical city and every trip added more smiles to my dreary existence.  My love for Mumbai was what made this movie special because Mumbai is the narrator of this story. I have always believed this city breathes and this movie makes me hear its heartbeats in those tiny stories that come together to define Mumbai, a city with a heart. The most amazing part of this movie for me has to be the beautiful house Konkana Sen Sharma...

In the last few months, there have been atleast two instances where people felt let down only because I did not share enough with them. And the first thought that came to my mind was this; “ It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else .” ― Erma Bombeck Since the time I began understanding the importance of friends and relationships, I have been struggling to make decent friends. It is after many years that I came to know it had to do with my childhood trauma as I had somewhere ceased trusting people, and worst, trusting my own self too. Believe me it was a humongous task to make my self believe in me, know that I will not let myself down and though my therapist says I have done a brilliant job, I still feel I have a long way to go. Maybe few years down the line when I have healed myself more, I might be able to reach out and help others heal. Today when I am hurting so bad, I can barely see myself helping someone heal let alone being a g...

Not many moons ago, I was selected for a Creative Writing Workshop. It was one of the reputed ones in the country with award winning faculty and had authors whom I had read and loved as teachers. For me, getting selected was like a dream come true and though the short notice meant a huge hole in my savings I was still excited about it. For me it was an opportunity of a lifetime and so I went, feeling proud of having been selected from so many applicants and hopeful that from here, my dream of writing that novel will turn a reality soon. ' I am worth it! ' rang in my ears loud and clear.

" You are a strong girl !" I grew up listening to this often. More as a means to quieten me rather than a compliment. Every time I threw a tantrum, I cried, I failed, I got hurt - these words were there to remind me that I was not supposed to be weak. Or, should I say, I was not allowed to be weak. 

Today, yet again...  Someone made fun of my illness.  Someone mocked at the abuse I have been through in life.  Someone laughed at the trauma I faced and the therapies I took to heal myself.  Someone giggled at the fierceness with which I continue facing life thinking I am my own super hero. 

“ The world needs someone they can admire from a distance; from a very far distance. ” ― Michael Bassey Johnson Image Source:  Conscious Lifestyle Magazine I am a Gemini which makes change an eternal part of my nature. I need a change in life as frequently as one changes their bed-sheets ( Guilty as charged! ) And by change I mean change in the menu for breakfast and dinner or maybe layout of my living room, the arrangement of my bookshelf or my clothes rack. At times, it goes to the extent of changing the color of walls, the curtains, the decor and such intricate details as well which is a rarity.