Metro Diaries: The Wait
The warm sun rays peeping through the trees do not lift my spirits. Deep in my hearts it is the harshest of winters with fear and anxiety blowing cold waves across. I continue my morning walk trying to let the fog block my mind also completely just the way it had blocked all the roads so that no thoughts could pass through. Since last few days I am tired of keeping pace with my thoughts. They seemed to have found some new energy to keep running non-stop. I have been spending sleepless nights off late with turbulent thoughts obstructing the peace of my mind. All my thoughts revolve only around “her”.
It feels like wait is synonymous with her in my life. It began with a wait for someone like her, then when we met there was a wait for me to realize what I exactly feel for her and now that I know what I feel for her, the wait for what she thinks has began. Just the thought of her brings a smile on my face! Rhea, my best friend, my love and my life! I could not imagine a day without her and it took me 4 long years to conclude she was the one for me. Human mind is so fickle it gets used to something’s in a way that the person does not even come to know till that thing threatens to leave. And had it not been our final semester perhaps I would have never realized it till now. I had met Rhea in the first year of college. Timid, shy and docile she looked like fish out of water in the whole campus.
Coming from a small town the big town madness was too much for her to handle. It was her innocence which had struck me first and gradually we became close friends. She was like a breath of fresh air amongst all those big town low minded people. She brought along an air of mystery with her, making you wonder what exactly she was. But I somehow knew all her layers well for I could read her through, something she was awry of. Rhea had nothing attractive about her and yet there was a mystic charm about her. Her easy going personality, twinkling eyes, sparkling smile and lustrous hair, made her elude grace. I didn’t know when I fell for her and for what; I just knew I loved almost everything about her. But her smile was something I lived by and could do anything for it.
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Sitting on the same bench, tuition, participating in contests, joint studies, preparations for exams – everything spelled togetherness for us giving me ample chances to be with her. I enjoyed every moment we spent together. She seemed to bring out a newer me; one which I never knew existed. One who gave best in all that was done and worked harder to make all my dreams come true. She saw my dreams just like everyone else but unlike them she also saw that I could make them come true. She would always say,” I see that hunger in your eyes. That zeal and determination which just spells I WILL.” Her words would act as the much needed booster at times and help me soar through troubled times. I don’t remember when I fell in love with her for today when I think of it I feel I was always in love with her, it’s just that I realized it now. It is like breathing, very important for survival but hardly noticed till the day it stops.
This year being our last year it suddenly struck me that we perhaps might part here and that thought itself was soul shattering for me. And I had decided to confess my feelings to her. Just 4 days back we had our farewell party. Rhea looked ethereal in a blue frock with intricate design. Her long flowing hair left open accentuated her looks further adding to her charming smile. To say she was dressed to kill would be wrong for my heart was still beating but it was surely missing its beats once in a while.
I was high that night. Maybe it were the drinks I had at the party , maybe it was Rhea looking so breathtakingly gorgeous or maybe it was love, I didn’t remember anything. I just remembered that Rhea had left the party in a rush and I didn’t know why. Next day morning when I had come to my senses I remembered it was something that I had done or said that had irked her which made her leave the party midway. As I ran towards her hostel room I came to know she had already left for her hometown in the morning train. I tried calling her frantically a couple of times but her cell was switched off.
This was not the kind of end I wanted for such a beautiful friendship. I felt I at least deserved a goodbye. However much I tried I could not recollect what I had said last night to hurt her so much. I somehow managed to locate her address that she had given me long back and decided to send out a letter to her.
These four years with you flew away and what remained was the sweet memories they brought along. I would want this sweetness to be there in my life forever. I never imagined things would come to this extent where I am writing a letter to tell you all this. I wanted to tell you all this last night, but somehow the alcohol got better of me and I spoiled everything. I am really sorry about it sweetheart. I know our journey together will not be easy but I promise to hold your hand tightly on each and every step that we will take together not letting a single tear roll down your eyes.
Every time I looked at you I saw a sense of peace and love that I have never experienced anywhere else and I know for sure you also feel the same. Yet I want to hear it from you for once, just to convince my heart that I am not dreaming. You are for real, our love is for real and we together are for real. Will you be mine?
Waiting to hear from you,
With trembling hands that day I had posted this letter to her address and today I was waiting for a reply from her with bated breath. Every moment that passed seemed like an era as the wait was unbearable. Will she, wont she… I knew her well enough to know that a reply would have surely come back for me. I knew my best friend that much in the last 4 years. Needless to say I had barely slept at the night.
Waking up at 4 I decided to go for a morning walk just to keep away those thoughts which haunted me inside the confines of my room.My heart was doing somersaults trying to plan the next move to make me and Rhea “us” together forever. It would surely be a mammoth task I mused increasing my pace to reach my house. I went about my daily chores mechanically with my heart waiting to hear that one door bell that would announce the arrival of the courier delivery person. It must be around 1:30 pm when I had finally fallen asleep; tired of all the thinking and the unending wait when the doorbell rang.
Firstly shrilly and then a bit loudly. I jumped to open the door. A short bespectacled man looked at me with questioning glance, “Ms. Suparna Khanna?” He asked “Yes, that’s me.” I replied. “Madam your courier has come returned undelivered. The recipient refused to accept the cover. Please sign this and accept it.”