Diary of a Lost Wanderer:Lost

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Dear Diary, 

Today it happened again; the same humdrum, the same voices, the same sounds and the same fear. As I sit here, huddled in a corner the voices just keep getting stronger and stronger. I wonder from what these voices get their strength from. The blames start pouring in after a while and the routine just gets a little lengthier today. 

Every time such things happen I get scared to an extent that it surpasses my fear of lizards, one of which is just staring at me from the ceiling just a few meters away from my hideout. And surprisingly it doesn’t freak me out, the way it usually does. Maybe it is the hatred mixed with fear that makes this possible; hatred so strong that at times I can smell it. I dislike that strong pungent odor that nauseates my senses.



My nanny tells me love is stronger than hatred. And that I should not let that hatred affect me. I should be thankful for the blessings I have and be a happy child. Somehow I like to believe her. In my worst moments I stare at my reflection through tear filled eyes and tell myself, “I am a happy child” amidst sobs. But it all sounds empty, just like this house. It seems as if I just don’t exist here. It is always about them, their wishes, their desires, their likes, their moods, their fights and their lives. 

Source: Google Images
Just few hours ago as my nanny prepared to leave for the day I hugged her tightly begging her to take me along. She stared at me for long with what seemed like puzzled eyes. She must be wondering why I am behaving like a child. She tried cajoling me for a long time when I finally blurted out, “Nanna just make me sleep the way you do. I want to know you are there nearby. After that you leave. It is ok. I feel scared at night and I cannot sleep.” She must have seen the tears flooding my eyes as she immediately hugged me and walked with me to my room. 

Very soon I was in that fairy land where everything was musical and beautiful just like nanna always described. I was sleeping peacefully, blissfully unaware about the chaos that surrounded me when suddenly a loud scream woke me up. I got up with a start and was shivering. There was no Nanna, no fairies, no sweet music….. The only thing around me was darkness with that same horrible nauseating odor. I began walking down till I reached the source of the sound only to see Mamma and Papa having one of ‘their’ discussions. Ones I wasn’t allowed to hear or disturb them at or I would be punished. The last punishment was mamma not talking to me for a week and it was hell. 

Just the thought of it scared me more and I hurriedly began to walk in the opposite direction as if I didn’t even know this was happening. I hid myself here, in this cramped up attic thinking the voices won’t reach me here. But they seem to be like penetrating deeper and deeper with every passing moment. 

The lizard on the ceiling catches my attention again. It is now staring at an insect standing nearby. Their eye lock gets intense as if in competition with the voices; as if they are have a mute ordeal between them. And then in a blink of an eye it is all over. The lizard brings out its tongue and swooshes the insect. It is gone. Finally The-End as silence prevails. 

Tired, 
Myra

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