From the attic of memories ~ Day # 3 (On being strong)
"You are a strong girl!"
I grew up listening to this often. More as a means to quieten me rather than a compliment. Every time I threw a tantrum, I cried, I failed, I got hurt - these words were there to remind me that I was not supposed to be weak. Or, should I say, I was not allowed to be weak.
However, I must confess I have had my own weak moments. Those deep, dark and disturbing moments when you cannot see a single speck of light. Those moments when you are struggling to stand straight when all you want to do is collapse, but you also don't know if there is anything below you to hold your fall. Or are you going to end up into an endless abyss floating into nothingness. In all honesty, I do NOT remember the moment when I became strong. All my growing up years I was called a 'fattu' (the timid one) someone who was scared of darkness, of ghosts and of sleeping alone. So today when people compliment my strength it takes me a while to digest it and accept the compliment gracefully.
Was it when I realized I was scared to die while self harming myself?
That moment when I was bullied as a teenager throughout my school and college which ensured I don't have a single friend till date!
When out of those thousands of reasons which screamed I deserved to die, I could hear only that one shrill voice which screamed NO!
Is it when you decide to chuck everything and leave behind it all chasing a fresh start and perhaps a better tomorrow?
I distinctly remember the phase when I felt the weakest and was constantly battling thoughts of giving up but that never included death.All I wanted to do, was to float in that nothingness, leave any sort of control on my life and just be. Strangely, that helped me survive. I might have grown up, healed and as some people say, come a long way, but being strong is something am learning about every day. Every morning it's a choice I make and every night it is a lesson I remind myself about.
Today, I know I have come a long way. From being a mute spectator, today I have finally found my voice. I have learnt to say no, to love unconditionally and to walk out from places where you feel disrespected or uncomfortable. The best thing is to be able to witness this journey, to look back and know how far you have come. To look ahead and feel motivated enough to keep chasing the goal. Sadly, if someone were to ask me to tell them how to deal with their weaknesses I would draw a blank. I have absolutely no clue what lead me till here and perhaps this quote sums it up the best:
|Source: Ed Lester|
Life is the best teacher. It teaches us everything in practicals. It doesn't believe in theory. Best is, we need to decipher the hidden messages to understand the nuances of life. What I learnt after three decades, someone might learn in one decade. That nowhere questions our individual abilities rather, it affirms our strengths. The key is to be, just be and witness life unfold on it's own, for that is when you are able to witness its raw beauty at its fullest.
“I am asked what strength is. Strength is the ability to not do to others only the things that were done to you. It is said, that you should “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”, but strength takes that even further and says, “I can give more than what I received in life, I can be more than those who gave me little, I can do more for others than what was done for me.” Strength, though well aware of the pain that is aroused by drawing from a well that is not naturally replenished by others, continues to replenish that well so that it may draw from those beautiful innate waters, so that it may give to others even those things that were not given unto it.” ― C. JoyBell C.