From the attic of memories ~ Day # 5 (On sharing)
In the last few months, there have been atleast two instances where people felt let down only because I did not share enough with them. And the first thought that came to my mind was this;
“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.” ― Erma Bombeck
Since the time I began understanding the importance of friends and relationships, I have been struggling to make decent friends. It is after many years that I came to know it had to do with my childhood trauma as I had somewhere ceased trusting people, and worst, trusting my own self too. Believe me it was a humongous task to make my self believe in me, know that I will not let myself down and though my therapist says I have done a brilliant job, I still feel I have a long way to go.
Maybe few years down the line when I have healed myself more, I might be able to reach out and help others heal. Today when I am hurting so bad, I can barely see myself helping someone heal let alone being a good support system. In the recent past while trying to help someone cope with their life, I ended up triggering my PTSD, anxiety and depression. The journey from that dungeon hasn't been easy and there is no way I want to trace back my steps. From here, upward is the only way for me.
My past is not exactly rosy that I feel proud in sharing about it to every one I meet. My past is the reason behind my present and that in many ways is also going to shape my future. And still, the fear of being judged, which I have faced perennially , always lingers around. To top of it, is the fear of being 'told' what to do, belittling your feelings and made fun of, by people whom you thought would be able to understand you completely. THIS is what holds me back every time I want to share something with someone.
It is not that I have not tried trusting people. I have, time and again. But I have either felt let down by people whom I have trusted a lot or felt the information has always been misused. It could be just me, who is over-processing things or who is not able to forget the past humiliation to be able to see through it this time. However, to make matters worse, I have not even had anybody who wanted to make a genuine effort in making me feel comfortable. Today, except one or two people in my life I can hardly claim anyone to be my friend who knows my life in and out.
The older me would have cried hoarse about this, but not the newer me. I have learnt:
1) Not every one needs to know my story
2) I am not answerable to anyone I am not comfortable talking to
3) I am not here to please anyone
4) I am not sorry about my past, but I will not let anyone dissect at every available opportunity and then show me fake sympathy just to make fun of me later
5) I am not a topic to be gossiped about.
6) I am my own responsibility.
Living alone since last five years, I have invested a lot in my own healing. Which in a way also means that the journey had to start with cutting off people - toxic people, people who had zero contribution to my well being, people who said I envy you at every success instead of You inspire me, people who were not well-wishers in any form (words or actions) but had only their cribbing to share about how let down they felt because my success did not involve them - the list is huge.
What is important is that these five years have taught me to handle things on my own - finances, emotions, health, work, house -everything has been my decision and mine alone. After such times, today when people try to come close beyond a point with me, it makes me uncomfortable. I need time to warm up, to share, to confide and most importantly to trust someone. And if the time I take tires anyone enough to stop making efforts, then sorry, but no sorry! I am not responsible for their disappointment, their expectations in the first place were not something I promised to live up to while am struggling to live up to my own expectations from my own self.
In the long run, I have realized, the ones who truly care - wait. They make all attempts to break the walls you build around you to reach the real you. They hug you rightly enough to fill all the cracks and crevices with love and hope.