Meraki ~ 1
Some stories deserve to be told while some need to be heard.
But there are also some that deserve to be buried and never spoken about because they threaten your present and future with your past!.
2 years ago I was diagnosed with Hashimoto a seemingly harmless auto immune disorder which was already in Stage 2 by then. Over a period of time apart from progressing to stage 3 it has opened a Pandora’s Box in my life with new symptoms time and again taking me by surprise. Best part I have started observing them minutely and listening what is being told. Worst part I sometimes spend a lot of sleepless nights in a row as hyperactive mind is a side-effect of this. One moment I am sleepy and all it takes is one thought of something that needs to be done tomorrow morning to render my sleepless for the whole night.
On such nights my mind is on a roller coaster ride, jumping from one topic to another. More than chaos I see a lot of hidden things in them. It is as if my subconscious takes control of my mind and I am able to see through my thoughts. Cutting through the sharp net of thoughts I am finally able to see the root cause of it all. And that is where Meraki was born. Meraki means to do something with soul, creativity or love; when you leave a piece of yourself in your work. I want to leave a piece of myself in each and every blog post, along with the pain, the memories of the past that continue to haunt my subconscious even after all these years so that I can achieve my goal for this year “Let Go”. I am hopeful Meraki will allow me to achieve it successfully. Few things I need to warn you about beforehand; things that seem scary and risky are not in reality. I am safe and will continue to do so. Penning down these thoughts is a way of emptying all the bottled up emotions within me so as to fill each and every vein with lot of love and laughter. Amen to that!
|(C) Privy Trifles ( I made this :) the background image isn't mine though)|
I saw her today once again. Smiling at me through those pictures on Facebook with those big beautiful eyes shining with hope. She changes her DP every 3rd day, I noticed it all. She adds selfies and other incidents of her day to day life close to 5-6 times a day. Interacts with her FB friends, replies, comments and shares her deepest feelings. I am glad she feels FB is that window to the world she was looking for till now.
Surprisingly she is the same person who till 2 years ago claimed I was her soul mate and that no one knew her better than me. That she had written a zillion letters to me after reading my blog trying to tell me how much I had helped her improve her approach towards life. That she wanted to meet me in real and that one meeting was not enough. That person today has no time to even ask me once a year how am I? Leave alone wishing on my birthday! I am wondering what has changed. No we never fought or argued, we just grew apart if that was the right time. Then why does she pretend as if everything is still the same or it’s me who is living in that pretense and not her?
Before I blame her for not being there I need to ask myself does she know that I need at this moment? All I can say is after years of trying to be the one making an effort to keep the relationship alive if the relationship breaks after I let it go, it means that it was one sided. I was the only who was struggling to keep it afloat and now its time it dies its natural death. Bid adieu respectfully to a past that was and a present that doesn't need to be.
The umpteenth friend I lose in life…. Wait. Was she a friend? Did she know me well enough that she could be called a friend? The answer is a NO. Even then it was about HER and even today it is about her. So why am I complaining when I never complained about it then. If I feel everyone is selfish, then I need to know who isn’t. We all are a bit selfish when it comes to relationships and the fact that she knows what she wants from life is something to be learnt. It is high time I learn how to get my priorities right in life.
I should write a new wish list. It’s been a while I wished for something. But my heart is not pushing me to wish for something. That is such a bad sign. I need to cajole it, tell it, it’s okay to wish and it’s okay to not have all wishes fulfilled. Still at times, it is important to wish because you atleast know your deepest desires.
Life is a race and it is not important who won. It is important who ran the whole length without giving up in between. Believe in the powers stronger than you and that they will guide you where you deserve to be just like they have done till now. It does feel inadequate sometimes when you are not able to things you want to do so badly. Just like writing your novel. But have faith, it will all happen at the right time. Don’t curse yourself for not being able to do somethings. Despite having given your best if it doesn’t fall into place it simply means it’s not meant to me as of now. Look out for signs from the Universe and never let that flame of hope die in your heart.
You might feel lost as you wander here and there, but as it is said “Not all who wander are lost” some wander to find new ways and new places. Maybe you will find your true calling in this thing that you call wandering off. You are a dreamer, embrace it. Let the world laugh at your dreams, they are yours to be seen, experienced and made to come alive- not theirs. They will laugh at something which they cannot see. It is your job to turn them into reality and show it to them again to make them believe not only in you or your dreams but also in the magic of dreaming.
Dream on. Wish on falling stars. Fall in love. Never say never. Believe. Hope.