Of Loving, Laughing and Living

Last week I was cleaning some old stuff when I found a group photo from my college days. There behind it scribbled was a message, “You are so full of life- love- laughter…always remain like this! It’s a rare treasure!”

Source: Google Images

Sadly I don’t remember who wrote this there as there is no name on it. But yes I remember being told this many times by lot of people. To give you an example I was told I am like Geet (Kareena Kapoor) in Jab We Met. A live wire, chattering nineteen to dozen about anything, ready to plunge into everything remotely exciting –full of spark and spunk…. yes I was that till 2006.

It was perhaps the darkest phases of my life in that year and yes just like that movie I lost that spark somewhere as my world submerged into darkness for almost 11 months. I cut off from the world – including friends and loved ones and went into a sabbatical. Fortunately / Unfortunately though I did not have any cute looking Aditya Kashyap to help me out of that.......I did come out of it – stronger than I was at that time and clearer in my thoughts. It took a lot of effort at that time but thankfully those efforts still help me face the storms.

Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win- Bernadette Devlin

Every time I see anything going wrong in my life I think of that time – Me, all alone, jobless, friendless, penniless, homeless with nothing but hope in heart and then I tell myself “ If I could come out of that…this is nothing compared to it. I will make it through this in a jiffy and it will be sunshine once again!’ I do cut off still when I face any problems, mostly because that is how I am. Like I tell people around Me – Out of 365 days, give me a discount and leave me alone for 5 days in a year to be sulky and groggy – In return I promise to make you smile 360 days a year!

At that time I realised that I was responsible for everything that happened to me - my tears, my laughter, my hurt. And hence the only person who could help me was me so I started investing in me the most. I still continue to do that. I pamper myself with gifts and bouquets , go out for lunch /dinner / movies not to forget some special moments when I actually look into the mirror to smile and say “Main apni favourite hu ;)” ( I am my own favourite)

In those darkest times I have found my real self. I concluded nobody deserves a slaughter of my own self in this world. I am here for some reason and all these menial things are not those reasons. I am back to being that same person I was before or rather livelier than I was before, because now I have shed all my inhibitions. I am comfortable in my own skin and at peace with myself. And yes I am still told; You are so lively – its rubs onto me even as we talk on phone! Someone even told me my life seems like a fairy tale with all love and joy. Well it should as I make a conscious effort to drive away all the nightmares to ensure all that remains is a fairytale to live in.

Source: Google Images

I wear my heart on my sleeve even now and despite all the heartbreaks I have experienced I still dare to fall in love at every opportune moment. Some day it is a song, some lyrics, a flower , a new dish, other day it is a new hero, the next it could be a picture, a movie, a dream, a dress, a book, a blog, a poem, a thought, a story, an author or a person – falling in love for me is inevitable for I believe LOVE is the best language known to us humans. I am in love with everything around Me for I am in love with life. (Yes!! I know that makes me hopelessly romantic....for that's what I am - An eternal dreamer )

I am also told many times that I am an emotional fool…but the reason behind it was best explained by someone few years back, ‘There is nothing wrong in being an emotional person. Rather it is a gift to be like that as it means you know what your heart wants and you listen to its every beat, unlike some people whose heart has got so used to not being heard that it has stopped saying anything. They are nothing more than zombies who know not what they want!’

I do everything that my heart wishes. I dream because it is a beautiful feeling to experience those wonderful things your imagination makes you see away from reality, but at the same time my feet are firmly on the ground when I am dreaming. I care because I know how good it feels to know someone cares. I wish on falling stars, not hoping it will come true but because I find it very cute listening what my heart wishes the most at the moment. I call people not because I want them to call me back I call for I want to speak to them – say something – listen to something. I give gifts because I know it feels special to receive them. Though sometimes I am asked what gift you got in return – I just smile to say “A precious and priceless smile”. I write because I love writing. I sing and dance without thinking what "others" would think. I still trust people easily because I believe we all are good human beings and along with that I give them the right to hurt me which they are free to exercise at their free will. I carry no grudges or hard feelings against them as I feel my own weight is enough to be carried around..I cannot deal with excess baggage. I say all that I have in my heart because I value honesty and want people to be that too. I express myself very freely, be it crying, laughing, getting hurt, hugging, showing affection, caring, understanding or accepting. I have no qualms about all this for this is me – the real me without any pretence. More often than not I am hated for these things too but as my favourite quote says,

It is better to be hated for what you are; than to be loved for what you not! - Anonymous.

Initially I had to make a conscious attempt in doing all this, but gradually it has been deeply instilled in my subconscious. Now I have become like a spring - the harder things push me down, I come back with more force. I let things affect me and I mourn about them too as it is required just like any physical injury. We need to give ourselves that much healing time. After that healing I am back being to my own self. Ready for another adventure and maybe another injury too. Because these injuries are witness to the lessons we have learnt in life, sometimes the hard way.

Throughout this period of trying times I have learnt one of the toughest lessons of life which I would want to share with you:

We all are like caterpillars…born to be beautiful butterflies. We have to undergo some pain in that process. At that time the choice is ours – Remain an ugly caterpillar or undergo that pain and become a beautiful butterfly. I choose to be a beautiful butterfly. For the gift of life is life itself and at the end of it all ~ all that you need to do is love,laugh and live each moment that you are here!