Diary of a Lost Wanderer: To know the unknown

Dear Diary, 

Yet another day – today! Life continues to move on with a renewed speed every day while I am kind of stuck in the same old rut. It is said that the first relationship a child makes is with the mother from where he/she learns the basics of existence like love, trust and respect. And a failure in this relationship is what reflects what the child is going to face in future with all other relationships till he/she takes the reins into their own hands. Perhaps that is why I am still not able to trust anyone, after my mom broke my trust long ago. And maybe that’s why my life resembles an eternal quest of those very three things which have been missing in my life – love, trust and respect. 

I kept loving and trusting the wrong people expecting to be loved, trusted and respected in return but every time I failed I blamed myself for my little heart never grew up. It continued to seek approval from everyone I met the way I used to as a child who was just learning to tread on the rickety paths of life. 

There are many times I wish I had a normal childhood and then at times my heart asks my mind – What makes you think you didn’t? At least till the age of 10 you had a normal childhood and there are pictures to back that statement up. Birthday parties, picnics, festival celebrations… there are in all sizes and moods and still every time I began to think about my childhood after a certain age I am all blank, sounds weird I know but it is as if I was always born as a grown up child of almost 8-10 years. 

I don’t have any memories of playing with my friends or for that matter even their names or faces. In emotional healing they always ask you to relive some moments of life so many times that the hurt associated with it just goes away, why is it that every time I think of them the hurt just seems to become deeper. They say that if your mind has wiped off some memories there is something in them which you don’t want to remember. And that is what scares me at times, what is that I want to forget? (Sorry! That should read – What is that I have already forgotten?) 

Consciously I don’t ponder on it but during some long lonely nights this question gnaws me to death. My soul bleeds that night but there are no answers found ever. Maybe I will take some of these questions and their answers to grave, for they will always remain safely buried within me. 


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