Confessions of a confused soul: Where is the "good" in the Goodbye?

By

Source: Google Images

Dear Diary, 

Today it happened again. My trust was broken, perhaps for the umpteenth time. Sometimes I wonder if there is anything of my trust left within me. But then every time I meet someone and the way I got beyond it all to trust them makes me believe it is still there, very much. 

Recently someone appreciated my work, called himself my well wisher, worked with me, stole my work without due credits, claimed my work was shabby and then stabbed me in the back so brutally in the name of professionalism that for nights together I couldn’t sleep. The hurt was too deep for almost 2 months as I waited for the words to be taken back, for those insults to simply vanish into the air somewhere and for those harsh things to evaporate completely from the face of this earth. But none of it happened. The more I tried to ignore the more it kept staring at me till I finally decided to face it. 

I remember my grandfather telling me that hard work never goes waste, I wanted to scream in those long unending nights and ask him – Nana… do you see this? There, yet another of my hard work goes down the drain. But no voice would come out. I would cry till wee hours of the morning and fall asleep not knowing what hour is it, whether day or night. 

The most absurd part was when that person pretended as if it was the most natural course of action for him; I was unable to accept it. I forgot that ethics have a different meaning for different people. What is cheating for me is not cheating for him. It is just a part of a game for him where he is breaking a rule just to win it. I tried to reason it out with myself by trying to justify his behavior and nothing logical came to my mind till I concluded that perhaps I will never be able to think like him. 

The only thing that haunted me all this while was where I went wrong. Till someone told me you weren’t wrong, and neither was the other person. You both did what was your nature and hence you need to leave it there thinking it was destined, for fighting it is against your nature. That is when I decided that perhaps it was all meant to be, and there is nothing I can do about it. Not even lament for it’s just not worth it. I need to pick up the lesson and get going. The sooner the better for me for he might not deserve the forgiveness but I deserve to forget this incident. 

If there is anything I would like to tell him it would be, 

If THIS is what success is for you, then so be it. If you believe stealing one work will make you successful, catapulting you into the big league then you are mistaken, for though my definitions of many things in life might be wrong, my understanding of life isn’t. 

Hope you never have a day when you are bogged down by guilt and are unable to sleep at night for that moment is the most painful when you can't even apologise to the person you want to. 

Yes you are right, I was seeking many answers from you till now but today I have got all my answers. I know all that I have to know and what I don’t is of no importance for me to be bothered about. I know you would want to say a lot of things to me but for me the time is over. I had given you enough time to clarify. Today I leave you with those unanswered questions. And yes I still believe, hard work never goes waste. It will come back to me, someday with its rewards and it will also come back to you someday with its questions. Till then, Good bye! Every goodbye need not be a happy one, ending on a good note. Some goodbyes are forever, ending in questions so that the other person can keep looking for the good in the bye. 

Farewell,
N

Popular posts from this blog

Diary of a Lost Wanderer - Lost & Found

By
Image
Dear Diary, I fell in love with Mumbai when I first visited it in 1995. Bombay, as it was then known, fascinated me since then.  If you ask me what made me fall in love with this city, I perhaps cannot explain. It wasn't that I was seeing the sea for the first time. It wasn't even the biggest city I had been to till then. Still, there was something so magical about this place. The trip was a short one lasting less than a week but this city now had my heart. Years later, I arrived here all alone on my first solo trip in 2005 and fell in love all over again. I got my first job and was required to come to Mumbai frequently. The local trains, the chaos on the roads, the crowds, the humdrum, the salty smell in the air, the stale air- everything about this city was intoxicating for me. 
Keep reading »

Essay: How to mourn the loss of love?

By
Image
Image Source: Unsplash.com I remember the first time I mourned the loss of love was when I was eleven.  For me, dance was love at that time. I had discovered a strange joy as I glided in and out of those movements. Every time I swirled; I could feel my heart soar. Any beat that strained to reach my ears, tempted me to move my body to its tune. I just knew I was born to dance and that is the only thing I wanted to do, all my life.  I had my reasons to believe so and a very simple one at that. It made me happy. That was a reason enough. However, my father thought otherwise. Girls from good families, do not dance. That line was enough to break all those rosy dreams of dancing on a stage. The day my brother was sent to the same dance class which was not good for me, was the day I experienced heartbreak for the first time.  That is the day I mourned the loss of my first love- Dance. 
Keep reading »

Metro Diaries: The Art of Making Love

By
Image
Image Source: Unpexels (Cottonbro) “Do you know why is it called making love?” He whispered, pulling the comforter closer.  I don’t remember for how long we had been in that room, on that bed. Lying aimlessly, just feeling each other in silence. I managed to just whimper to denote my curiosity.   “Because that is the moment we create love. We are the closest we could ever be to love, in its purest form. It is sheer magic as we are naked, in every form. Mentally, physically and emotionally before that one person, we love. We know they can hurt us, as much as they want to, in the way they want to. But love gives us that power to trust them, that they won’t.”   “And here I was thinking it is a need. Something you want at that moment and you get it!” 
Keep reading »