Confessions of a confused soul # 6 : Timid and tamed
All my life I have been very timid. Timid to break rules, timid to do something which is a big no, timid to lie, timed to cheat, timid to hurt... the list goes on. This sounds very contrary to the popular belief that I am a strong and a rebellious person. Strong yes I am when it comes to dealing with things, but when it comes to emotions I am someone who goes weak in the knees. I am called rebellious because I question a lot of beliefs for they fail my logic. I am very logic driven when it comes to most of the things and if according to me it sounds foolish I need to know why would I even consider doing it.
I have left battles midway for I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't confront a wrong doer and give a piece of my mind for I felt it was futile. Coming from a family where being at war was a norm, peace was something I cherished the most. Perhaps that is the reason for my submissive and timid nature. But I guess three decades is too long a time to have lived a life like this. Of giving in, of letting go and of just walking away. For now I see the consequences I have managed to gather.
I get nightmares often now. Of the unsaid things, of those people who hurt me and I still chose to stay quiet, of those moments when it hurt me the worst and I still preferred to walk away rather than hurt back in return. Maybe I should have expressed my pain then, rather than trying to portray myself as a strong person who doesn't wish meddle with such things. Somewhere perhaps I made those people winners despite it not being true. I almost gifted them that victory rather than fighting for it.
Retrospectively it doesn't look as good as it felt that moment but there was only one thing that gave me solace. I slept peacefully at night. I can vouch for the fact that till date never ever have I hurt someone deliberately or tried to do something resulting in pain for them. I have always chosen to walk away when the pain for me got unbearable, just to save myself from more hurt. Analyzing it, perhaps it has got to something with my childhood yet again.
I was always called as someone who was argumentative because I would try to reason things. In an attempt to be loved, I kept on changing myself. I started giving in, stopped reasoning, almost never asked or demanded for anything,That fear of being labelled as arrogant, argumentative, boastful, egoistic, pompous, rebellious was so high that I stopped using my brain over anything.
For years it stayed locked inside, as I died a new death every day in my own hands and kept wondering why. Till one day I changed beyond recognition. I realized I was dying because I was just not being me, the people who had a problem with the then-me had a problem with me now too only the reasons changed. Now I feel is the time for me to change the sails and start sailing against the wind for the very thing that gave me a peaceful sleep not gives me sleepless nights as people from my past continue to haunt me.
~to be continued