Diary of a Lost Wanderer: Mission Love

By

Having grown up in a country where looks matter the most, especially for a female by the time I had crossed my teens I was a bunch of nerves feeling the most ugliest creature alive on earth with a huge sponge bob type nose, a pear shaped body, thin horse tail shaped hair and worse a height which was a taboo for girls. I was a towering personality at 5’ 8”, with a wheatish complexion, no clear skin to boast of, rather a facial skin that reflected the craters of the moon owing to the just-out-of-teenage-pimply-phase. Add to it, I was a tomboy owing to my liking for sports. College wasn’t too great either as the incessant television adverts about fairness creams and newspaper adverts about weight loss acted like a painful reminder about how badly out of focus I was in life. Nothing changed, I grew up. Finished college and started working with almost zero change in my attitude towards myself. 

At 24 I was staring at a complete stranger in the mirror and it hurt to see myself in that shape. The constant bullying and teasing about my looks had finally hit me so bad that I was unable to recognize myself today. A string of broken relationships, not only romantic in nature but also friendships had ensured I couldn’t trust anyone further. I felt unloved. I need to add here that I have been an ardent reader since I was 4 years old. And at that time I had recently started developing a fondness for self-help genre. I don’t remember when how and where but the line “Love yourself” stayed with me. I kept telling that to myself everyday reciting it like a mantra telling myself in the mirror “If you cannot love yourself how you expect anyone to love you!” I had read horrible stories about how our past fears tend to affect our future and I for sure didn’t want any of it. 

During that time I had just bought a new pocket camera. My brother had just relocated to another country and that was the only way I thought I could ensure he stayed updated about everything at home. What began as just another purchase soon became the very tool of my healing. In a random spur of the moment I decided to click a picture of myself. One click and I was like Okay… not bad! That moment I decided to click myself daily, without fail. Fat, ugly, pimply, chubby or whatever I will click. I did that for 4 years nonstop, every day in the morning I would wake up, get ready for work and click a picture. Mind you I am talking about a time when selfie as a concept was unheard of. So yes everyone around me felt very strange every time they saw me clicking pictures like that. I just choose to ignore it all! I had a far more important mission to chase. Mission Love!

Today 6.5 years later as I look back to that phase I can just smile. I am proud I did that. I am glad I listened to my heart and tried falling in love with myself. The very pictures that were okayish and not bad in the beginning started turning into cute, nice, lovely smile to mind blowing soon. It boasted my confidence to no level but most importantly it helped me accept myself with all my flaws, the way I am and love myself for all of it. With a full figure, not so perfect body, skin with its marks and a hair that didn’t resemble any model in the advert. Those pictures taught me to live and those pictures till date are a reminder of how life changes every second and yet remains unchanged. 

Mission Love - accomplished! I love myself and that makes me love everything around me more and more with every day.

Popular posts from this blog

Diary of a Lost Wanderer - Lost & Found

By
Image
Dear Diary, I fell in love with Mumbai when I first visited it in 1995. Bombay, as it was then known, fascinated me since then.  If you ask me what made me fall in love with this city, I perhaps cannot explain. It wasn't that I was seeing the sea for the first time. It wasn't even the biggest city I had been to till then. Still, there was something so magical about this place. The trip was a short one lasting less than a week but this city now had my heart. Years later, I arrived here all alone on my first solo trip in 2005 and fell in love all over again. I got my first job and was required to come to Mumbai frequently. The local trains, the chaos on the roads, the crowds, the humdrum, the salty smell in the air, the stale air- everything about this city was intoxicating for me. 
Keep reading »

Essay: How to mourn the loss of love?

By
Image
Image Source: Unsplash.com I remember the first time I mourned the loss of love was when I was eleven.  For me, dance was love at that time. I had discovered a strange joy as I glided in and out of those movements. Every time I swirled; I could feel my heart soar. Any beat that strained to reach my ears, tempted me to move my body to its tune. I just knew I was born to dance and that is the only thing I wanted to do, all my life.  I had my reasons to believe so and a very simple one at that. It made me happy. That was a reason enough. However, my father thought otherwise. Girls from good families, do not dance. That line was enough to break all those rosy dreams of dancing on a stage. The day my brother was sent to the same dance class which was not good for me, was the day I experienced heartbreak for the first time.  That is the day I mourned the loss of my first love- Dance. 
Keep reading »

Metro Diaries: The Art of Making Love

By
Image
Image Source: Unpexels (Cottonbro) “Do you know why is it called making love?” He whispered, pulling the comforter closer.  I don’t remember for how long we had been in that room, on that bed. Lying aimlessly, just feeling each other in silence. I managed to just whimper to denote my curiosity.   “Because that is the moment we create love. We are the closest we could ever be to love, in its purest form. It is sheer magic as we are naked, in every form. Mentally, physically and emotionally before that one person, we love. We know they can hurt us, as much as they want to, in the way they want to. But love gives us that power to trust them, that they won’t.”   “And here I was thinking it is a need. Something you want at that moment and you get it!” 
Keep reading »