Diary of another daughter

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A father- daughter's relationship is very beautiful but in our country it is more bound by the norms that the society dictates than the calling of the heart. Sharing glimpses of a diary where a daughter tries to seek love and be loved, but becomes the sought and made.

15th March 1987

You paced up and down the entire night in the hospital corridor as inside they prepared for my welcome. At about 1:30 am I announced my arrival with a shrill cry. You rushed into the room to see me and took me into your arms uncomfortably for the first time. The anticipation, the fear and tension of so many months was now taking form of a frown as worry lines began to appear on your face, the joy so evidently missing. My tiny eyes, kept staring at you questioningly wondering what my fault was.

Source: Google Images

17th June 1988

A year old me couldn’t understand why mother kept crying the whole night inconsolably. Unable to voice out my thoughts, I also kept crying with her throughout only to be screamed at in anger by you. She cried for the loss of her child, one that she couldn’t keep because it was another me. I cried for the pain of my mother which I felt somewhere deep. I cried for I still didn’t understand what was my fault.

16th March 1992

The whole family was celebrating today - crackers, sweets and new clothes for everyone. It felt as if Diwali had come few months early that year. No, it wasn’t my 5th birthday. It was the birth of my brother that was the reason behind this rejoice. The little girl dressed in white polka dotted frock tried to console herself that her birthday was being celebrated a day later.

Source: Google Images

10th January 1996

“Nothing but the best for my child!” you had said as you held chotu close to your chest that day and moved around the whole city from morning till evening seeking for his admission in the best school of the city. A tiny shadow with two pigtails hiding behind those doors was very happy, after all chotu was her angel too.

22nd November 1999

Tonight seemed to be the longest night for me. I had met with an accident having fallen from a swing and hurt my face very badly I could hardly sleep as I tossed and turned writhing in pain. I never realised that more than the injuries it was your words that were pinching somewhere. “Stop her games now. She is growing up. What if her face had got spoilt in that injury? In the evenings let her help you in kitchen, she will do us some good that ways atleast. “ You had said. And all I could hear in reply were mother’s sobs.

Source: Google Images

6th May 2002

I was slapped today for being adamant on joining a dance class. It wasn’t meant for me, was what I was told. The little heart within failed to understand how something that was meant for chotu two weeks back was today not meant for me.

31st December 2005

I experienced my first heartbreak today as the dream I had worked so hard shattered. I was amongst the top 20 selected in a premier institute of the city. Something I had worked hard for since so many years. I thought you would be proud and happy. You were and yet I couldn’t join that course for you felt the fees were too high and you needed to save for chotu’s education and my wedding. I settled in for something you felt better for me.

16th August 2007

I was ecstatic I had managed to top my batch and secure a decent job. But you felt it wasn’t worth it all. I needed to pay more attention to home rather than everything else.

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14th February 2009

You had started searching a match for me and today you had finally managed to find one. You sounded so ecstatic while you told me about him and “my new home “. I was speechless as I thought, ‘Is this no longer my home….?’ There was no answer that I got ever to this.

2nd January 2010

Today is the D day – my wedding. You give my hand in his and say this is your new life. I look at him once and feel a chill run down my spine. All I could see was a complete stranger whom I barely knew holding my hand tightly as if to say “You belong to me now.” I wondered why I was scared. Till now I belonged to you and did all that you wanted just to please you once. And now I was his and will do all that he wanted to please him. Strangeness or familiarity no longer mattered now.

14th June 2012

Month after month a part of me is killed just because it is another me. I cannot take it anymore, this dying in bits and pieces day in and out. As I look upto you for some solace your answer pierces deeply into my wounds till I bleed to death.

“Have patience beta, it will all be fine. Soon. It is just a matter of time.”

I wish that soon came a bit sooner Papa, for my eyes are no longer able to see any further. All I want to know is what was my fault?

Source: Google Images

P.S: This post has been written as a part of Project 365's prompt where we were supposed to rewrite an old post of ours in a different version. The original post Diary of a daughter happens to be one of my favourite posts as it talks about all the beautiful things of life. But having said that I cannot ignore the ugly side of truth that also exists in our society. An attempt to showcase the hurt behind that through this post.