Diary of a lost wanderer: Letter from a daughter
This is one of those umpteenth letters that you will perhaps never read. But I still cannot help writing them, especially when I miss you a lot and that happens almost every day.
Today we celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary Ma, and I mourned the 12th year that you haven’t spoken to me. My face had a strange expression throughout the day, for I didn’t know whether to mourn or celebrate. By now he has got used to this I guess, for he didn’t ask me anything today.
To mark the occasion I made doodhi halwa, they thought I made a sweet dish to celebrate the anniversary while only I know that I made it purely for I missed you a lot. Doodhi halwa has always meant you for me Ma. In the morning when the so very familiar smell filled the whole house I spread my arms trying to feel you in the fragrance. I just wanted to hug you at that moment.
At get-togethers when my culinary skills are praised I feel so proud, like a child who has won a prize in school ,wanting to rush home to call you and share this news for I remember those gruelling summer holidays we would spend cooped up in the kitchen trying one delicacy after the other till I got it right. I loved that smile on your face Ma when you said," Well done Punno! You will make me proud someday." Alas! My heart knows that the dialed number will never be answered.
There are nights when I cry myself to sleep only because like every other child in this world I want my mommy by my side. I remember you as I wake every day in the morning and prepare my coffee. It never has tasted the way a coffee made by you did, not now and I am sure it will never, for there is no supermarket in this world that sells Mommy’s secret love ingredient that makes any mundane dish so tasty. Do you also think about me sometimes Ma?
I had called your landline last week, just on the pretext of hearing your voice. Unfortunately I couldn’t and after few futile attempts I gave up the hope for the fear of inviting Papa's wrath. I dreamt one night that I had come home and you had made my favourite delicacies, I was chewing in my sleep. When I woke up I was laughing thinking how strange human mind is when it realizes that some wishes can never come true it gives them the form of dreams, so that we atleast have the pleasure of having experienced it once, albeit in dreamland.
I don’t know if there will ever be days when I will hear you say “Punno…” as you lovingly caress my hair or perhaps a night when I fall asleep with my head in your lap. But I know one thing for sure Ma, there will never be a day when I won’t miss you.