Metro Diaries - Confessions of a 20-something confused soul

Dear Diary,

Does the world need love? I wonder at times.

I had read somewhere – We are love. For we are born out of love, grow up with it and live to love. But I, was born out of a need; the need to have a male heir to the family. Grew up feeling unwanted for not being a male and today my whole life is a quest for love. Today as I turn twenty nine I wonder where is my life headed to.

Yes I look pretty. Not exactly a head turner but noticeable for sure. Tall, dusky, silky hair, attractive eyes, alluring pout and an amazing voice – is how someone would describe me. Since the time I began to understand the dynamics of male-female relationships I have had many admirers. Some genuine, some pompous while some casual! But all that they needed was a body. They loved my looks…wanted to touch me, feel those luscious curves, kiss my lips and just claim this body belonged to them.

None of them wanted to see me as a loving heart and a caring soul. The longing in my heartbeats drowned beneath the lusty screams of the mind. It all began with a coffee date, generous compliments, moving on to flowers, greetings, cute mushy messages, flirty texts leading to movie dates and then the master stroke – PROPOSAL. I like you, will you be my girlfriend, I love you are the typical words used. Depending on each one’s interpretation what they actually have in mind is a fling, casual affair, no holds barred relationship etc. Say yes and within next few days it moves onto kisses from hugs ending up into something more promiscuous. 
Source: Google Images

Having awakened lot of hidden dreams and desires in you, made loads of promises and shown a new world altogether one fine day they suddenly realize it’s not working any more. Poor souls they don’t recognize or maybe they don’t want to recognize that it’s nothing but the fact that they have had enough now and need a change. This is the precise reason why today I am scared of love. For love brings along a need with it; a need for companionship, physical intimacy, a partner, financial independence, social status or just merely a need to the heck of having one. What begins with a need also ends with one; a need for change or for something more than that.

I fail to understand this obsession with a body. After all what is this body? Some bones, little bit of flesh and loads of blood running in the veins. And this heart which is thumping constantly, feeling every emotion, dreaming constantly and wanting to love suddenly becomes nothing but a lump of useless tissues. Nobody wants to know what you feel, how you feel and why you feel. All that they know is what they want. 

I strongly believe each one comes into our life to reach us something and teach they all did. Some taught me what love is all about by being honest about their intentions while some showed what love is not about by their careless attitude. Every time someone came that person held a piece of my heart tightly clutched in their hands and when they left they took that part away chipping me away piece by piece. I fear someday I will reach a phase where there will be nothing left in me.

Every hurt I get makes me delve deeper in the realms of my heart to come out with more love to give. For I believe love can win the most powerful battles and I want to win this quest with love. The day I will win I will lose because that day perhaps love will surround me in abundance but I will have nothing more left to give. Yet I continue this quest for I still believe love still exists. And I will find it someday….quietly hidden from the prying eyes in a warm place reaching out to me. A day when perhaps I will looked beyond my body and seen through my heart directly into my soul......

Source: Google Images

~ A confused soul

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