Diary of a Lost Wanderer

The whole internet is abuzz with how within the next a month and a half a decade will be ending. The discussions are around what all has everyone achieved in this decade. This made me think a lot. For starters I felt I have not achieved anything substantial but on more thinking I concluded, who defines substantial. I believe I have achieved a lot and so decided to document it here, just to remind myself how smallest of things actually add up to make the biggest of difference to one's life. “We’re so wrapped up with egotistical things, career, family, having enough money, meeting the mortgage, getting a new car, fixing the radiator when it breaks—we’re involved in trillions of little acts just to keep going. So we don’t get into the habit of standing back and looking at our lives and saying, Is this all? Is this all I want? Is something missing?”   ― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie Image Source: unsplash.com

Source: HuffPost Dear M, Tonight, as I lie down on my bed like always, I cannot help but think of you. Lying down on my stomach, I am reading a novel while the faint voice of Noor Jahan fills the air ". ... Hamari saanson main aaj tak woh… ". Cool breeze plays with my hair while the tingling sounds of the wind chime, add to the whole feel of the moment. I think of you, because that is how I remember you... always and all ways. Your hair, open, dancing in the air as you lie down on your bed with some novel. A heart-touching melody playing in background while you flip pages of that book with your long, sharp and brightly coloured nails which shine in the tender lights. A slight smile on your face now and then depicting that you are enjoying it all. I will always think of you like this - pristine and poetically beautiful.

Image Source: www.theindiansaga.com Masoom (Translated: Innocent) is a Hindi movie which released in 1983. Starring legendary actors Naseeruddin Shah and Shabana Azmi, this movie also featured future Bollywood actors Urmila Matondkar and Jugal Hansraj. Inspired by the famous novel Man, woman and child by Erich Segal , this movie revolves around the illegitimate son of Nasseruddin Shah from his previous lover. Till then they all are blissfully unaware about his existence. Nasseruddin Shah is happily married to Shabana Azmi with two daughters. The arrival of this son creates havoc in their lives and the rest of the story is based on their reactions to this new truth of their life.

Image Source: youthareaweesome.com Childhood was so blissful and easy to be in. There was no pretense at all. If you were cranky, you were cranky. If you hated someone you could say,' I hate you!' with equal vengeance. And if you really liked someone you could display your affection in whatever way you wanted to.

Privilege [ˈprɪvɪlɪdʒ]  NOUN a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group.  Privilege comes in different forms. I am privileged in more than one ways and still I at times struggle to understand the reality of a situation. Though I do make conscious attempts, I will confess I fail myself a lot. Over the last few years, the number has ofcourse come down and am still learning. But the fact that it needs to be spoken about, doesn't take away anything from the seriousness of this issue. 

Source: Quotesgram.com Last weekend I had gone grocery shopping. Sounds like the most normal thing to do, isn't it? But well when you have anxiety at it peak for weeks, it is a huge thing to do. On top of it, rains have been incessant for the past few weeks turning me into a homebody. I had began to detest this weather and on Saturday morning when the sun decided to shine through after what seemed like the quarter of a month I decided to go out and get some work done. It took me the longest to manage to reach the supermarket and the crowd there, almost deterred my spirit. However, I kept pushing myself and slowly strolled through the shelves with my headphones on, just to keep my anxiety in check.

Noorie stopped in her tracks while getting dressed up to go out. A crumpled piece of paper from her pocket had brought along an avalanche of memories. Just a normal day, just a normal outing and just her old favourite pair of jeans was now turning into an abnormal day.  A bill dated 26th June from her favourite coffee shop stared back at her as she opened the washed piece of paper and strained her eyes to read more. 26th June, that date got struck in her head. That was the day she had shared her last cup of coffee with him. As they walked out of the café hand in hand, he had met with a terrible accident which didn't injure him physically but he fainted on the road much to her dismay.

In the last few years, my ability to hold conversations has gone down. Initially it scared me, because I am a chatter box ( Or should I now say, WAS a chatter box ). My activity on WhatsApp has gone down to abysmal and so have my phone calls. I hate making or receiving calls. Worse, unexpected phone calls even from people I know give my anxiety. 

“Stories will be told, poems will be written, songs will be sung but there will never be enough love to be felt. We will always keep looking for it in the lyrics of a long forgotten song, those now hazy nicknames, the narrow lanes of nostalgia, the warmth of a much needed hug, that missing yet knowingly comforting smile or just the thought of being alive under the same sky….staring at the same moon. “

Image Source: creativityaustralia.org.au Life is all about wishes. We wish for something and we get something else, only to realise that perhaps we were wishing for this more than what we thought we were. If you have been following my blog since inception (Ah! That sounds so technical!) But you get the sense of it right? If you have been here for a while you will know that I have had my own share of 'claim to fame' moments when I got published in anthologies and then ofcourse my solo collection Metro Diaries 1 & 2. After that of course things have been quiet for the longest now and honestly, I have no clue when I will have something huge to announce. THAT is actually the reason behind this post.

Source: quotesgram.com "Where is Baba?" Amayra asked immediately after entering the house. "He is watching some documentary on the television." Her mother replied nonchalantly before going back to the kitchen.

Image Source: https://www.brandsynario.com In the recent few years, I am glad to have found movies on dysfunctional families which tell me, I am not alone. To be honest, though perfectly happy families were good to watch on screen, after a point they would hurt. For they seemed to be reminders of all the good things missing from your life. Worse, they left you with tons of expectations that would seldom get fulfilled. These movies have given me a sense of belongingness, one that I could rarely find in movies till now. And am so glad to have finally discovered them.I am attempting to write what one of the many movies I have loved made me feel. Cannot be called a review or a critic. It is more of a monologue on why I loved this movie.

2017 was the year I spent most of the time lying in my bed. One after another several health issues kept hitting, rendering my unable to do anything much except sleep and mop around in bed. While I did spend most of it shedding copious tears, but once I was bored of doing that I decided to watch movies. Because holding books at times is an effort, music seems like noise and you feel like staring at something on the screen which distracts you from your current surroundings. After books if there is anything that has the magical power to tele-transport you, then it has to be movies.

Image Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doJJY0QQyIs It's been more than a year I have been writing these confessions and it somehow feels very therapeutic. Starting from my addictions to all the fist fights at the college, writing them down has helped me see myself in a different light.

2009 Wake up Sid had released. As a movie it was dreamy and as a concept it felt so close to heart. I had set my foot in Mumbai for the first time as a child and had fallen in love with this city of dreams. 2004, I was back to this city. This time as an adult for an interview which was typically my first solo trip ever. This city has remained to me what I like to call my first love. You might break up and go however far you want, but there is a strange solace that you experience only here. In the next few years I was making frequent work trips to this magical city and every trip added more smiles to my dreary existence.  My love for Mumbai was what made this movie special because Mumbai is the narrator of this story. I have always believed this city breathes and this movie makes me hear its heartbeats in those tiny stories that come together to define Mumbai, a city with a heart. The most amazing part of this movie for me has to be the beautiful house Konkana Sen Sharma is

Image Source: Pinterest There is a story hidden within each one of us. Waiting to be told, carefully hidden behind those cracks and crevices. It beckons you from those dark deep corners... especially in those long nights, ones that are lonely and scary.

**( Trigger Warning: Anxiety attack / Panic attacks )** Image Source: Link In a recent conversation with a friend, I realized how living with anxiety is somehow in-describable in words. So this is an attempt to do that!

“For me, trees have always been the most penetrating preachers. I revere them when they live in tribes and families, in forests and groves. And even more I revere them when they stand alone. They are like lonely persons. Not like hermits who have stolen away out of some weakness, but like great, solitary men, like Beethoven and Nietzsche. In their highest boughs the world rustles, their roots rest in infinity; but they do not lose themselves there, they struggle with all the force of their lives for one thing only: to fulfill themselves according to their own laws, to build up their own form, to represent themselves. 

Because there will never be enough reminders in life - to love, laugh, live and most importantly be kind to your self before spreading it to people around you!

I turned a year older last week and it has been one of the most free-feeling birthday I have had in decades. Being born under an inauspicious star, the stigma associated with birthdays refused to leave me till I left the house for further studies. But as fate would have had it, I ended up with someone who was equally conservative about birthdays, dates, birth stars and the auspiciousness around it. It didn't take me that long to walk out of it as much as it took me to heal myself of all those accusations and learn how to celebrate myself. This year, I got myself gifts after a decade or so of mourning. The minimalist me went shopping for clothes and lucky me, I found a perfect birthday dress in my size within half an hour. (Believe me when I say this, it is no mean feat to find something that I want in my size and THIS for me was a sign from the universe that it is high time I let go of everything that was and embrace everything that is to celebrate everything that will be

Source:  Elite Daily Someone somewhere will always find you not enough Someone somewhere will see you as a failure Someone somewhere will always manage to find faults in you Someone somewhere will think you are incapable of doing anything right Someone somewhere will assume you are wrong

Source:  Dr. Mark Flannery What happens when you wear the cloak of loneliness for too long? It becomes your second skin. So much so that people ignore it completely. Only you know how uncomfortable you are in it. Every time you face yourself in the mirror a volcano of feelings erupts in your mind. Slowly, starting from the pit of your stomach the lava travels to your chest, warming up the alleys as it goes upwards. After setting your heart on fire, it then reaches for your eyes from where the lava threatens to leak before engulfing your entire body in its heat wave... leaving you with no choice but to burn with agony in it. The agony of being lonely. The agony of left unseen. Unheard. Unknown. 

Source:  Positive Prescription This month I am grateful for a lot of things in general, though there is also a specific list but I would rather share this one here before sharing the other one later perhaps. So without much ado, here's the list of things I am grateful for:

In the last few months, there have been atleast two instances where people felt let down only because I did not share enough with them. And the first thought that came to my mind was this; “ It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else .” ― Erma Bombeck Since the time I began understanding the importance of friends and relationships, I have been struggling to make decent friends. It is after many years that I came to know it had to do with my childhood trauma as I had somewhere ceased trusting people, and worst, trusting my own self too. Believe me it was a humongous task to make my self believe in me, know that I will not let myself down and though my therapist says I have done a brilliant job, I still feel I have a long way to go. Maybe few years down the line when I have healed myself more, I might be able to reach out and help others heal. Today when I am hurting so bad, I can barely see myself helping someone heal let alone being a g

“ It's a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack. ” ― Germany Kent

Not many moons ago, I was selected for a Creative Writing Workshop. It was one of the reputed ones in the country with award winning faculty and had authors whom I had read and loved as teachers. For me, getting selected was like a dream come true and though the short notice meant a huge hole in my savings I was still excited about it. For me it was an opportunity of a lifetime and so I went, feeling proud of having been selected from so many applicants and hopeful that from here, my dream of writing that novel will turn a reality soon. ' I am worth it! ' rang in my ears loud and clear.

" You are a strong girl !" I grew up listening to this often. More as a means to quieten me rather than a compliment. Every time I threw a tantrum, I cried, I failed, I got hurt - these words were there to remind me that I was not supposed to be weak. Or, should I say, I was not allowed to be weak. 

Read the previous parts :  Part 1  |  Part 2  | Part 3 As he was about to talk to Jumainaa young girl entered the hall. “This is Preeti.” Kamalatai introduced here. After Kamalatai, Jumaina or Jumainappa as everyone else called her, was the oldest. She was reed thin with eyes that were bulging out. Her skin was brackish as if burnt by accident and her smile was hollow. She was a beauty once upon a time and a mysterious illness had rendered her like this. She had a miscarriage after which she was never same again. As of now she took care of these girls, cooked, mopped the floors and cleaned the house. She was also the go-to person for any medical advises. 

Read the previous parts : Part 1 | Part 2 A runaway child, dreams of becoming an actress and a whole lot of drama lay behind that sly face. One after another she called the other girls to speak to him. They not only shared their backgrounds but also talked about the strange people they keep meeting day in and day out. Rahul knew they were not revealing their real names, but that didn’t matter at all. What mattered was that they were talking from their heart and he could see that in their eyes. He was happy to be that window to the outside world for them when he patiently answered all their questions about his life with a huge smile.

Today, yet again...  Someone made fun of my illness.  Someone mocked at the abuse I have been through in life.  Someone laughed at the trauma I faced and the therapies I took to heal myself.  Someone giggled at the fierceness with which I continue facing life thinking I am my own super hero. 

Read the previous part : Part 1 His entire life till now was a perfect example of survival of the fittest. You are enough in everything and anything you do in this world. Others are here to serve as a distraction so that they reach their goals before yours and become winners. These were some of the beliefs he had fondly cherished in his heart, practiced and at times preached too without much success. It wasn’t that he was not capable of getting attention. On the contrary he actually gathered a lot of it wherever he went blame it on his devil-may-care attitude or his deep brown eyes which sang songs of love and longing to any heart that cared to listen. It was his heart that never cared for any attention. All he craved for was solitude.  *-*-*-* 

Yet another month has gone by and I spent the last one week thinking about what all things am I grateful for in February. After a lot of thinking, here's what I have concluded: