Diary of a Lost Wanderer

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As we celebrate Mental Health Awareness Week across the globe this week, do read my guest post on it at a very wonderful author cum blogger Aniesha Brahma 's blog.

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I don't know what hurts more - the love that was never there and yet was felt. Or the hurt that was always there and never felt till now.

Not many know but this year began on a very low note for me. I needed a heavy dose of motivation and who better than myself for it.  From 1st Jan 2016 I started writing a letter to myself daily. Good, bad, past, present, future, love, hatred, dreams and nightmares all became a part of them. All hand written with drawings around them to depict my mood these letters have been a huge solace in the last few months. Today as I read 78 letters of life written to myself I do smile with a tinge of tears in my eyes for they do smell of hope and are strung together with the thread of faith.  Someday it will all be fine, and till then we continue to hope!

4:15 am Creative Khopcha Today I tried again. Called her, in a vain hope that I will be heard. I had a lot to tell, to share, to crib and to rant. But just like everytime I wasn't heard, rather I heard all that she wanted to say. And before I realised it was time to hang up.  It has always been like this, since ages. Why is it that then my heart expects it to be different every single time?Am I blind to not see all these things or that I choose to ignore it all because I just don't want to accept it?

Sadly yes! But then it is weird to see some of your friends look like complete strangers to you.  Source: Quotes for you Page on Facebook

Tried peeping in the past today. No, the dams didn't break nor were the rivers flooded. Seems like the land is ready for harvest again!

Source: mywalkwithjehovah.com Be your own best friend not only by pampering yourself with gifts and goodies but also by being the one to say in times of trouble, " See I had told you! But you wouldn't listen to me. Now look where we have landed up ." Only to add after a while, " You don't worry though. I am there with you. We will manage to find a way out from this mess ."

Memoirs of Me turns 5 today- a very cherished moment for me as this is a reminder to me that when you continue to what you love,time just flies! P.S : A very dear friend had made this for me 2 years ago. His intention was to capture everything that defined me and was cherished by me. I am so much in love with this that I couldn't think of any other picture to use at this moment. I know this occasion calls for a complete dedicated post with a lot of pondering and heartfelt confessions. But as of now as I am traveling I am just putting this post up only to be followed up by a detailed post soon.

Source: knisha.wordpress.com Someday when life would come a full circle and we meet again I wish I could tell you all that I have never said. Bare my heart, hoping at least now you can hear me.  " I haven't forgiven you for what you did to me .”  But perhaps that would mean I haven't forgotten you too.

 

In a few days time this blog will complete 5 years! When I had started I never knew what was in store for me, not that I know about it now. But yes it feels glad to see that I have reached this landmark. 5 years of loving this blog, 5 years of writing, 5 years of trying to understand myself better and 5 years of challenging everything that came between me and my blog.

(C) Privy Trifles Creative Khopcha 3:45 am Few days ago I was casually chatting with a friend when the topic was my health. Amidst the usual updates that I was giving regarding the progress my disease is making my friend suddenly asked me, " So how much time does that leave you with?" It took me a moment  to realise that I was being asked about the mortality rate of this disease. I smiled and said, " Don't worry it is not terminal. I know people who have survived for 40 years with this. So I am here to stay ." This seemingly harmless question made me realize the way my friend looks at things. So here's an attempt at trying to tell her once again what is it that bothers me.

(C) Privy Trifles ( I made this :) the background image isn't mine though)

Some stories deserve to be told while some need to be heard.  But there are also some that deserve to be buried and never spoken about because they threaten your present and future with your past!.  2 years ago I was diagnosed with Hashimoto a seemingly harmless auto immune disorder which was already in Stage 2 by then. Over a period of time apart from progressing to stage 3 it has opened a Pandora’s Box in my life with new symptoms time and again taking me by surprise. Best part I have started observing them minutely and listening what is being told. Worst part I sometimes spend a lot of sleepless nights in a row as hyperactive mind is a side-effect of this. One moment I am sleepy and all it takes is one thought of something that needs to be done tomorrow morning to render my sleepless for the whole night. 

 

  

At times life doesn't go on. We keep pushing it to keep going on as quitting is not a choice at all!

Copyright (C) Privy Trifles Note to self:  A lot of love with a lot of promises in the form of a ring for this finger; none could bind my dreams or hold my heart. All they had was a fake odor of something called desire, hidden deep beneath the labyrinth of love!  But today I gift you this promise of love – a predicament of eternity and an oath of a lifetime ~ I promise to love you before anyone else. I promise to love you forever. I promise to look after you. I promise to never let you get hurt. I promise to hold you, cherish you and be there for you, always. To be there when you need me, and when you don’t, I promise.

A sleepless night always makes me wonder what is it that my mind is trying to tell me...something that is much more stronger than my dreams and which needs to be heard. It is perhaps the reality which demands to be seen closely...felt and understood.

Sometimes just deleting contacts from your phone book gives you a strange relief....maybe because you know that in real life there is no way you can delete them or their memory forever. This is the closest you will ever get to deleting them and experience the pain of bidding a final good bye. A point that promises that healing is nearby.... that one day you will be able to look at them without any reaction and move forward crossing them like complete strangers.

 : Lessons learnt today :  1. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them too doesn't mean they don't love you at all. 2. The fact that it has happened yet doesn't mean it will never happen ever in this life.

I began blogging in 2011 with only poems and non-fiction. After almost a year of blogging I tried my hand at fiction and gradually moved to romance writing after 2 years. The shift was never planned or intended. It just happened. If someone were to ask me, I would always say stories and me, never! And that too love stories, forget it. But the very fact that I wrote my first ever love story at 13 ( I recently found that diary again ! ) and that too from someone who has never read a single Mills and Boons ( you need to believe me when I say that) that was a huge leap. It just happened, and I don’t know how. 

I am writing a letter to you and wondering how to address it given that you meant something else yesterday, are something else today and tomorrow will be something much more than that.

Someday I will write a song and capture you in it forever ; till then let me live in the story of us.

Wrote a letter of forgiveness to a person who is no longer a part of my life. Somewhere in between those words I am still wondering whether I was seeking forgiveness or giving it... This confusion is what defines relationships best because somewhere in between such confusion is where lies the true meaning of life. Till we find it we continue to exist in this chaos like confusion and call it life.

Some books aren't just stories. They are the answers universe us giving to the questions that have haunted your soul since ages. They are a solace for they reaffirm that somewhere there is at least one soul on this earth who understands your pain and worries. And that this soul knows exactly what your heart wants to hear. They know exactly those words which will comfort your soul and they sing them in a tune which resonates with your being.